measles an' th' whoopin'-cough an' th' cholera infantum befure th'
public schools opens in th' fall, an' ivrything wud be peaceful an'
quiet an' prosp'rous. Th' officers in th' field at prisint is well
qualified f'r command iv th' new ar-rmy; an', if they'd put blinders on
th' mules, they wudden't be scared back be wan iv thim Spanish fleets
that a jackass sees whin he's been up all night, secretly stuffing
himsilf with silo. They'd give wan hew-haw, an' follow their leaders
through th' hear-rt iv th' inimy's counthry. But give thim th' wurrud to
git ap, an' they'd ate their thistles undher th' guns iv some ol' Morro
Castle befure night.

"Ye don't see th' diff'rence, says ye. They ain't anny i' th' leaders.
As efficient a lot iv mules as iver exposed their ears. Th' throuble is
with th' rank an' file. They're men. What's needed to carry on this war
as it goes to-day is an ar-rmy iv jacks an' mules. Whin ye say to a man,
'Git ap, whoa, gee, back up, get alang!' he don't know what ye'er
dhrivin' at or to. But a mule hears th' ordhers with a melancholy smile,
dhroops his ears, an' follows his war-rm, moist breath. Th' ordhers fr'm
Washin'ton is perfectly comprehinsible to a jackass, but they don't mane
annything to a poor, foolish man. No human bein', Hinnissy, can
undherstand what the divvie use it was to sink a ship that cost two
hundherd thousan' dollars an' was worth at laste eighty dollars in
Sandago Harbor, if we have to keep fourteen ships outside to prevint
five Spanish ships fr'm sailin'. Th' poor, tired human mind don't
tumble, Hinnissy, to th' raison f'r landin' four hundherd marines at
Guanotommy to clear th' forests, whin Havana is livin' free on hot
tamales an' ice-cream. Th' mind iv a Demostheens or a Tim Hogan would be
crippled thryin' to figure out why throops ar-re sint out fr'm Tampa an'
thin ordhered back through a speakin' chube, while wan iv th' new
briga-deer-gin'rals has his hands manicured an' says good-by to his
nurse. But it ought to be as plain to th' mule that hears it as it is to
th' jackasses that gets it up. What we need, Hinnissy, is a perfect
undherstandin' between th' ar-rmy an' th' administhration. We need what
Hogan calls th' esphrite th' corpse, an' we'll on'y have it whin th'
mules begins to move."

"I shud think," said Mr. Hennessy, "now that th' jackasses has begun to
be onaisy"--

"We ought to be afraid th' cabinet an' th' Boord iv Sthrateejy 'll be
stampeded?" Mr. Dooley inte