n that wudden't know th' diff'rence between goluf
an' crokay, an' had their pants tucked in their boots an' chewed tobacco
be th' pound. Thank Hivin, McKinley knows betther thin to sind th' likes
iv thim abroad to shock our frinds be dumpin' their coffee into
thimsilves fr'm a saucer.

"Th' dure bell rings, an' a futman in liv'ry says: 'I'm Master Willie
Dooselbery's man, an' he's come to be examined f'r th' army,' says he.
'Admit him,' says McKinley; an' Master Willie enters, accompanied be his
val-lay, his mah an' pah an' th' comity iv th' goluf club. 'Willie,'
says th' Prisident, 'ye ar-re enthrin' upon a gloryous car-eer, an' 'tis
nic'ssry that ye shud be thurly examined, so that ye can teach th'
glories iv civilization to th' tyr-ranies iv Europe that is supported be
ye'er pah an' mah,' he says. ''Twud be a tur-r'ble thing,' he says, 'if
some day they shud meet a Spanish gin'ral in Mahdrid, an' have him say
to thim, "I seen ye'er son Willie durin' th' war wearin' a stovepipe hat
an' tan shoes." Let us begin th' examination,' he says. 'Ar-re ye a good
goluf player?' 'I am,' says Willie. 'Thin I appint ye a liftnant. What
we need in th' ar-rmy is good goluf players,' he says. 'In our former
war,' he says, 'we had th' misfortune to have men in command that didn't
know th' diff'rence between a goluf stick an' a beecycle; an' what was
th' raysult? We foozled our approach at Bull R-run,' he says. 'Ar-re ye
a mimber iv anny clubs?' he says. 'Four,' says Willie. 'Thin I make ye a
major,' he says. 'Where d'ye get ye'er pants?' he says. 'Fr'm England,'
says Willie. 'Gloryous,' says McKinley. 'I make ye a colonel,' he says.
'Let me thry ye in tactics,' he says. 'Suppose ye was confronted be a
Spanish ar-rmy in th' afthernoon, how wud ye dhress?' he says. 'I'd wear
a stovepipe hat, a long coat, a white vest, an' lavender pants,' says
Willie. 'An' if th' attack was be night?' he says. 'I'd put on me dhress
shoot, an' go out to meet thim,' says Willie. 'A thuro sojer,' says
McKinley. 'Suppose th' sociable lasted all night?' he says. 'I'd sound
th' rethreat at daybreak, an' have me brave boys change back,' he says,
'to suitable appar'l,' he says. 'Masterly,' says McKinley. 'I will sind
ye'er name in as a brigadier-gin'ral,' he says. 'Thank Gawd, th'
r-rich,' he says, 'is brave an' pathriotic,' he says. 'Ye will jine th'
other boys fr'm th' club at Tampa,' he says. 'Ye shud be careful iv
ye'er equipment,' he says. 'I have almost iv