position than
to sacrifice myself to divine Providence. Though I might have removed,
notwithstanding my mother-in-law's resistance, yet I would not without
her consent; because it looked to me as if her resistance was an order
of Heaven.

I continued in this spirit of sacrifice to God, waiting from moment to
moment in an entire resignation, for whatever He should be pleased to
ordain. I cannot express what nature suffered. I was like one who sees
both certain death and an easy remedy, without being able to avoid the
former, or try the latter. I had no less apprehension for my younger
son than for myself. My mother-in-law so excessively doted on the
eldest, that the rest of us were indifferent to her. Yet I am assured,
if she had known the younger would have died of the smallpox, she would
not have acted as she did. God makes use of creatures, and their
natural inclinations to accomplish His designs. When I see in the
creatures a conduct which appears unreasonable and mortifying, I mount
higher, and look upon them as instruments both of the mercy and justice
of God. His justice is full of mercy.

I told my husband that my stomach was sick, and that I was taking the
smallpox. He said it was only imagination. I let Mrs. Granger know the
situation I was in. As she had a tender heart, she was affected by the
treatment I met with, and encouraged me to offer myself up to the Lord.
At length, nature finding there was no resource, consented to the
sacrifice which my spirit had already made. The disorder gained ground
apace. I was seized with a great shivering, and pain both in my head
and stomach. They would not yet believe that I was sick. In a few hours
it went so far, that they thought my life in danger. I was also taken
with an inflammation on my lungs, and the remedies for the one disorder
were contrary to the other. My mother-in-law's favorite physician was
not in town, nor the resident surgeon. Another surgeon said that I must
be bled; but my mother-in-law would not suffer it at that time. I was
on the point of death for the want of proper assistance. My husband,
not being able to see me, left me entirely to his mother. She would not
allow any physician but her own to prescribe for me, and yet did not
send for him, though he was within a day's journey. In this extremity I
opened not my mouth. I looked for life or death from the hand of God,
without testifying the least uneasiness. The peace I enjoyed within, on
account