ould I but have hoped, to become agreeable to
Thee, such a hope would have been like a change from Hell to Heaven. So
far was I from presuming to hope for it, that I feared this sea of
affliction might also be followed by everlasting misery, in the loss of
Thee. I dared not even desire to enjoy Thee--I only desired not to
offend Thee.

I was for five or six weeks at the last extremity. I could not take any
nourishment. A spoonful of broth made me faint. My voice was so gone,
that when they put their ears close to my mouth, they could scarcely
distinguish my words. I could not see any hope of salvation, yet was
not unwilling to die. I bore a strong impression that the longer I
lived the more I would sin. Of the two, I thought I would rather choose
Hell than sin. All the good, which God made me do, now seemed to me
evil or full of faults. All my prayers, penances, alms and charities,
seemed to rise up against me, and heighten my condemnation. I thought
there appeared on the side of God, on my own, and from all creatures,
one general condemnation, my conscience was a witness against me, which
I could not appease. What may appear strange, the sins of my youth did
not then give me any pain at all. They did not rise up in judgment
against me, but there appeared one universal testimony against all the
good I had done, and all the sentiments of evil I had entertained. If I
went to confessors, I could tell them nothing of my condition. If I
could have told them, they would have not understood me. They would
have regarded as eminent virtues, what, O my God, thy eyes all pure and
chaste rejected as infidelity. It was then that I felt the truth of
what Thou hast said, that Thou judgest our righteousness. Oh, how pure
art thou! Who can comprehend it? It was then that I turned my eyes on
every side, to see what way succor might come to me; but my succor
could come no way but from Him who made Heaven and earth. As I saw
there was no safety for me, or spiritual health in myself, I entered
into a secret complacency in seeing no good in myself whereon to rest,
or presume for salvation. The nearer my destruction appeared, the more
I found in God Himself, wherewith to augment my trust and confidence,
notwithstanding He seemed so justly irritated against me. It seemed to
me that I had in Jesus Christ all that was wanting in myself. Oh, ye
stout and righteous men! Observe as much as ye please of excellence in
what ye have done to the glory o