APTER 19

To resume my history, the smallpox had so much hurt one of my eyes,
that it was feared I would lose it. The gland at the corner of my eye
was injured. An imposthume arose from time to time between the nose and
the eye, which gave me great pain till it was lanced. It swelled all my
head to that degree that I could not bear even a pillow. The least
noise was agony to me, though sometimes they made a great commotion in
my chamber. Yet this was a precious time to me, for two reasons. First,
because I was left in bed alone, where I had a sweet retreat without
interruption; the other, because it answered the desire I had for
suffering,--which desire was so great, that all the austerities of the
body would have been but as a drop of water to quench so great a fire.
Indeed the severities and rigors which I then exercised were extreme,
but they did not appease this appetite for the cross. It is Thou alone,
O Crucified Saviour, who canst make the cross truly effectual for the
death of self. Let others bless themselves in their ease or gaiety,
grandeur or pleasures, poor temporary heavens; for me, my desires were
all turned another way, even to the silent path of suffering for
Christ, and to be united to Him, through the mortification of all that
was of nature in me, that my senses, appetites and will, being dead to
these, might wholly live in Him.

I obtained leave to go to Paris for the cure of my eye; and yet it was
much more through the desire I had to see Monsieur Bertot, a man of
profound experience, whom Mother Granger had lately assigned to me for
my director. I went to take leave of my father, who embraced me with
peculiar tenderness, little thinking then that it would be our last
adieu.

Paris was a place now no longer to be dreaded as in times past. The
throngs only served to draw me into a deep recollection, and the noise
of the streets augmented my inward prayer. I saw Monsieur Bertot, who
did not prove of that service to me, which he would have been if I had
then the power to explain myself. Though I wished earnestly to hide
nothing from him, yet God held me so closely to Him, that I could
scarcely tell anything at all. As soon as I spoke to him, everything
vanished from my mind, so that I could remember nothing but some few
faults. As I saw him very seldom, and nothing stayed in my
recollection, and as I read of nothing any way resembling my case, I
knew not how to explain myself. Besides, I desired t