One day, being in great distress on account of the redoubling of
outward and inward crosses, I went into my closet to give vent to my
grief. M. Bertot was brought into my mind, with this wish, "Oh, that he
was sensible of what I suffer!" Though he wrote but very seldom, and
with great difficulty, yet he wrote me a letter dated the same day
about the cross. It was the finest and most consolatory he ever wrote
me on that subject. Sometimes my spirit was so oppressed with continual
crosses, which scarcely gave me any relaxation, that when alone my eyes
turned every way, to see if they could find anything to give relief. A
word, a sigh, a trifle, or to know that anyone took part in my grief,
would have been some comfort. That was not granted me, not even to look
toward Heaven, or to make any complaint. Love held me then so closely,
that it would have this miserable nature to perish, without giving it
any support or nourishment.

Oh, my dearest Lord! Thou yet gavest my soul a victorious support,
which made it triumph over all the weaknesses of nature, and seized Thy
knife to sacrifice it without sparing. And yet this nature so perverse,
and full of artifices to save its life, at last took the course of
nourishing itself on its own despair, on its fidelity under such heavy
and continual oppression. It sought to conceal the value it attributed
thereto. But thy eyes were too penetrating not to detect the subtilty.
Wherefore, thou, O my Shepherd, changed Thy conduct toward it. Thou
sometimes comforted it with thy crook and Thy staff; that is to say, by
Thy conduct as loving as crucifying; but it was only to reduce it to
the last extremity, as I shall show hereafter.

CHAPTER 20

A lady of rank, whom I sometimes visited, took a particular liking to
me, because (as she was pleased to say) my person and manners were
agreeable. She said that she observed in me something extraordinary and
uncommon. I believe it was the inward attraction of my soul that
appeared on my very countenance. One day a gentleman of fashion said to
my husband's aunt, "I saw the lady your niece; and it is very evident
that she lives in the presence of God." I was surprised at this, as I
little thought such an one as he could know what it was to have God
thus present. This lady of rank began to be touched with the sense of
God. Wanting once to take me to the play, I refused to go; (I never
went to plays) making use of the pretext of my husband's cont