n spoken
to me about it, now joined in reproaching me and vindicating her. This
strange creature, when any company came, would cry out with all her
might, that I had dishonored her, thrown her into despair, and would be
the cause of her damnation, as I was taking the ready course to my own.
Yet God gave me an unbounded patience. I answered only with mildness
and charity all her passionate invectives, giving her besides every
possible mark of my affection. If any other maid came to wait on me,
she would drive her back in a rage, crying out, that I hated her on
account of the affection with which she had served my husband. When she
had not a mind to come, I was obliged to serve myself; and when she did
come, it was to chide me and make a noise. When I was very unwell, as
was often the case, this girl would appear to be in despair. From hence
I thought it was from Thee, O Lord, that all this came upon me. Without
thy permission, she was scarcely capable of such unaccountable conduct.
She seemed not sensible of any faults, but always to think herself in
the right. All those whom Thou hast made use of to cause me to suffer,
thought they were rendering service to Thee in so doing.

Before my husband's death, I went to Paris on purpose to see Monsieur
Bertot, who had been of very little service to me as a director. Not
knowing my state, and I being incapable of telling him of it, he grew
weary of the charge. At length he gave it up, and wrote to me to take
another director. I made no doubt but God had revealed to him my wicked
state; and this desertion of me seemed a most certain mark of my
reprobation. This was during the life of my husband. But now my renewed
solicitations, and his sympathy with me on my husband's death,
prevailed on him to resume my direction, which to me still proved of
very little service. I went again to Paris to see him. While there, I
visited him twelve or fifteen times, without being able to tell him
anything of my condition. I told him, indeed, that I wanted some
ecclesiastic to educate my son, to rid him of his bad habits, and of
the wrong impressions he had conceived against me. He found one for me,
of whom he had received very good recommendations.

I went to make a retreat with M. Bertot and Madame de C. All that time
he spoke to me not a quarter of an hour at most. As he saw that I said
nothing to him, for indeed I knew not what to say, as I had not spoken
to him of the favors which God had con