nally I sed to one of
'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the
table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we
are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I
knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would
ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants
pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt
mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front
steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of
the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what
time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about
twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed
"no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess
I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many
cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is
thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir,
that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about
ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't
right.

Uncle Josh and the Fire Department

ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got
it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in
New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with
the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and
Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he
told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little
box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he
says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it
will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that
handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin'
the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put
my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot
of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or
somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked
on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't
git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times,
and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turn