a wash-tub and Ruben Hendricks cut his
thumb with his new jack-knife, and Deacon Witherspoon sed: "No, Si, that
baptizin' didn't take." And Ezra--wall, it wan't his say.

Suspicion--Consists mainly of thinking what we would do if
we wuz in the other feller's place.
--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh Plays Golf

WALL, about two weeks ago the boys sed to me, Uncle we'd like to hav
you cum out and play a game of golf. Wall, they took me out behind the
woodshed whar mother couldn't see us and them durned boys dressed your
uncle up in the dogondest suit of clothes I ever had on in my life. I
had on a pair of socks that had more different colors in 'em than in
Joseph's coat. I looked like a cross atween a monkey and a cirkus rider,
and a-goin' across the medder our turkey gobbler took after me and I had
an awful time with that fool bird. I calculate as how I'll git even with
him 'bout Thanksgiving time.

Wall, the boys took me into the paster, and they had it all dug up into
what they called a "T," and they had a wheelbarrer full of little Injun
war clubs. They called one a nibbler, and another a brassie, and a lot
of other fool names I never heerd afore, and can't remember now. Then
they brought out a little wooden ball 'bout as big as a hen's egg, and
they stuck it up on a little hunk of mud. Then they told me to take one
of them thar war clubs and stand alongside of the ball and hit it. Wall,
I jist peeled off my coat and got a good holt on that war club and I
jist whaled away at that durned little ball, and by gum I missed it, and
the boys all commenced to holler "foozle."

Wall, I got a little bit riled and I whaled away at it again, and I hit
it right whar I missed it the fust time, and I whirled round and sot
down so durned hard I sot four back teeth to akin, and I pawed round in
the air and knocked a lot of it out of place. I hit myself on the shin
and on the pet corn at the same time, and them durned boys wuz jist
a-rollin' round on the ground and a-hollerin' like Injuns. Wall, I begun
to git madder 'n a wet hen, and I 'lowed I'd knock that durned little
ball way over into the next county. So I rolled up my sleeves and spit
on my hands and got a good holt on that war club and I whaled away at
that little ball agin, and by chowder I hit it. I knocked it clar over
into Deacon Witherspoon's paster, and hit his old muley cow, and she got
skeered and run away, jumped the fence and went dow