t cuss I ever seen. Wall, I noticed a feller a
rummagin' 'round among the benches as though he might a-lost somethin'.
So I sed to him, "Mister, did you lose anythin' 'round here any place?"
He sed, "Yes, sir, I lost a ten dollar bill; if you find it I'll give
you two dollars." Wall, I jist made up my mind he wuz one of them cirkus
sharpers, and when he wan't a-lookin' I pulled a ten dollar bill out of
my pockit and give it to him; and the durned fool didn't know but what
it wuz the same one that he lost. Gosh, I jist fooled him out of his two
dollars slicker 'n a whistle. I tell you cirkus day is a great time in
Punkin Centre.

Uncle Josh Invites the City Folks to Visit Him

I DIDN'T s'pose when I wuz gittin' ready to go home, that all you folks
would be down here to the depo' to see me off. Wall, now, that's purty
good of ye, I'll be durned it it ain't. Yes, I guess I'll have to be
goin' home now; I've stayed here this time 'bout as long as I kin afford
to. I must say, some of you folks have made it purty warm fer me since
I've bin here in New York; but I guess I've enjoyed it 'bout as much as
you have.

I'd like to have you all cum down to Punkin Centre and see MEE some time
this summer, if you hadn't got nuthin' else to do. Lots of fun down thar
on that farm of mine, huntin', fishin', and shootin', and other things.
Wall, I never shot but one bird in my life, and that wuz a squirrel;
yes, sir, a flyin' squirrel.

I had a feller workin' fer me on the farm last summer, and he was
cross-eyed, and I sent him out in the paster to dig a well fer me, and
what do you s'pose? Wall he dug it so tarnal all-fired crooked that he
fell out of it and sprained his ankel. Then one day I sent him out in
the garden to plant some pertaters and some unyuns fer me, and it jist
seemed like that feller didn't have good hoss sense. He planted them
unyuns and pertaters right alongside of each other, and the unyuns got
into the pertaters' eyes and they couldn't see to grow. Oh, yes, lots of
fun down home onct in a while. I calculate I've got the funnyest lot of
chickens you ever heerd tell on. I've got sixty old hens and they lay an
egg every day; but they don't lay any at nite, cos when nite comes every
one of them is roosters. I had one old hen, she went into the woodshed
and sot down on the ax and tried to hatch-it. I had another one sottin'
on a door knob, tryin' to hatch out a house and lot, but she didn't.
While she wuz a-sott