to my very soul by day and
night. I longed always to be near him, to see him progress and
help him if I could. I would joyfully have given up home,
friends, and income, and followed him to the end of the world,
preferably an island where we two might at least be the only
white men. He seemed to embody all I longed for in the way of
knowledge of nature, of strength, of practical ability, and the
desire to imitate him in these things widened and strengthened my
character. The first time I slept with him I could only summon
courage to put my arm over his chest, but I could not sleep for
unsatisfied desire, and the unrelieved erection caused a dull
pain on the morrow. I had always disliked conversation that might
be regarded as bordering on the obscene, and consequently was
very ignorant on most matters; it pained me even to hear him
laugh at such remarks. I think if he had been intimate with me I
should have not conversed much on such topics, but now I felt
pleasure in such things with him as they expressed intimacy. I
dreamed about him and was never really happy in his absence; the
greatest joy would have been to have slept in his arms; the
hairiness of his legs and arms were also most fascinating.
Perhaps a year later, we were again at night together, and this
time I by degrees felt his private organs, but he was cold and I
felt a little unsatisfied. I wanted to be hugged. This happened
once more, and then on a later occasion,--not that it afforded me
much gratification, but because I wanted to stimulate him to
ardor,--I attempted masturbation. This aroused his disgust and I
was consequently dismayed. He told me I ought to marry and,
although I knew his love was all I wanted, I did not feel but
what I could make a woman happy. The constant unrelieved
erections which took place when I saw my friend adopt a graceful
attitude caused pain at the bottom of my back, and I consulted
two specialists, who also advised marriage. I did not tell them I
was an 'invert,' for I hardly knew it was a recognized thing, but
I did tell them something of what had taken place, and they made
next to no comment, but implied it was frequent. My friend now
felt repulsion toward me, but did not express himself, and as
other circumstances then caused a barrier between us to a certain
extent, I did not r