rely spoke for the first three years,
though meeting him daily. At this time the subjects of my
contemplation had distinctly individualized methods of approach.
Thus in one case I imagined we stood face to face in our
night-gear; suddenly mine was stripped from me; I was seized and
forcibly thrust under his and made to hang with my feet off the
ground by my full weight on the erect organ which inserted
itself between my thighs; so suspended--my body enveloped in the
folds of his linen and my face pressed upon his heart--I
underwent a castigation which continued until I was thrown down
to receive a discharge of urine over my prostrate body. Such
images seemed to come independently of my will.

"It was at this time that I found a large pleasure in imagining
contact with people whom I disliked; the prevailing note of these
intimacies was always cruelty, to which I submitted with acute
relish. I discovered, however, from the ordinary school
experiences of corporal punishment, that it had no charm to me
when administered for school offenses, even from the hands under
which at other times I imagined myself as delighting to receive
pain. The necessary link was lacking; had I perceived on the part
of my judge any liking for the operation, there would probably
have been a response on my side. On one occasion I was flogged
unjustly; conscious as I was of its cruel instead of judiciary
character, this was the only castigation I received which had in
it an element of gratification for my instincts. At the same time
I never forgave the hand that administered it; it is the only
instance I remember in myself of a grudge nourished for years.

"Meanwhile, amid this chaos of confused love and hatred, of
relish for cruelty and loathing for injustice, my first
thoroughly romantic and ideal attachment was developing itself. I
may say, of those to whom romance as well as physical attachment
bound me, that they have remained unchangeable parts of my
nature. Today, as it was twenty years ago, when I think of them
the blood gushes to my brain, my hands tingle and moisten with an
emotion I cannot subdue: I am at their feet worshipping them. Of
them my dreams were entirely tender; the idea of cruelty never
touched the conception I had of them. But I return to that one
who was the chief influence of