awkward customers. I poured out my love on these, I used myself
up for them. Unfortunately (though I was never 'orthodox') my
Puritanical morality was still strong within me, my views of
human psychology were too limited, and I imposed them on the
boys. Some were very devoted; but, as years went by and the
proportion of _mauvais sujets_ increased, there tended to be a
split in the small camp and one or two boys whom I loved deceived
me terribly. To a man of my temperament this was heart-rending
and from then the work was doomed. Troubles at school went along
with troubles at home, and these things contributed to center my
affection upon a lad who was with me, and who had given me much
trouble. For some reason or other I went on believing that he
would get right. Deceit was his great difficulty. He was
certainly partly homosexual himself. Looking back I can see that
with a wider and more charitable knowledge I could have dealt
more wisely and helpfully with certain homosexual episodes of
his. I am convinced now that mere sweeping condemnation of the
physical is not the wholesome way of help. However, to cut the
story short, all seemed at last to go well, and the lad was
growing into a young man. Our love deepened, and we always slept
together, but quite ascetically. Later, when quite in his young
manhood he had left school, there was, unfortunately,
misunderstandings with his parents, who forbad him to sleep with
me. What followed is of some importance. Up till then, though
certainly his affection seemed ardent, I had observed no sexual
signs on his part. I had been quite frank with him as to mine. He
was then 19, and I thought old enough to have things explained to
him. Sleeping with him I had found peaceful and helpful, and more
than once he told me that it greatly helped him. But _after we
were forbidden to sleep together_, I found the passion in me more
difficult to control, and it suddenly leaped out in him. We were
still, however, rather ascetic, though we used to kiss each
other, and we used to embrace naked. This produced emission not
infrequently with me, but only once with him, though always
powerful erection. I would not allow any friction. Perhaps this
was a mistake. A more complete expression might have helped him.

"All my life I had been hungry for a complete