I scarcely know why I did this; but I fancy there
was a vague sense that I did not want my work disturbed. There
was no sexual attraction or, at least, none that was manifest.
The girl, there is no doubt, grew to love me. I am sorry to say
that in two other cases, later, women loved me, and have both
permanently remained unmarried on my account. I sometimes feel
that in a wisely free society I should be able to give both of
these women children. That I believe I could do, and I think it
would be an immense satisfaction to them. A permanent union with
a woman would, however, be impossible to me. A permanent union
with a man would, I believe, be possible. At least I know that
attractions which have been at all homosexual in character have
in my case been very lasting.

"I was strongly attracted when not more than 13 to a lad slightly
older. It was a love story, there is no doubt, but I do not
recollect any outer sexual signs. There were other passing cases,
but in no case was there any warm response till I was 15. I then
made friends with a lad of entirely different type from myself. I
was a reader. I liked long walks and fresh air, but I was too shy
to go in for sports. Indeed I was frightfully shy. He was a great
sportsman and always at home in society. But he asked me to help
him with some work, and we took to working together. I grew
passionately fond of him. His caresses always caused some
erection. Personally, I believe it would have been wiser to have
obtained complete sexual expression. The absence of knowledge led
to two distinctly undesirable results. The first was marked
congestion and pain at times; the second was a tendency to a sort
of modified masochism. There is always, I suppose, some erotic
attraction about the buttocks, and of course also, to boys, they
afford an irresistibly attractive mark for a good smack. I found
that when this lad spanked me it produced some amount of sexual
excitement, and the desire for this form of stimulus grew upon
me. The result, in my case, was bad. It was sensualism, not love.
I can say this with confidence, because in a much later case of
deeply passionate love, I shrank from any such method, but the
mutual, naked embrace I found was for me an absolutely natural
and _pure_ expression of love. I never felt any touch of
grossnes