e is good for nothing what do you want him back for?"

"Well, yo' see, we's all out of bacon ag'in," said the old negress
innocently.

"Did ye see as Jim got ten years' penal for stealing that 'oss?"

"Serve 'im right, too. Why didn't 'e buy the 'oss and not pay for 'im
like any other gentleman?"

Some time ago a crowd of Bowery sports went over to Philadelphia to see
a prize fight. One "wise guy," who, among other things, is something of
a pickpocket, was so sure of the result that he was willing to bet on
it.

"The Kid's goin' t' win. It's a pipe," he told a friend.

The friend expressed doubts.

"Sure he'll win," the pickpocket persisted. "I'll bet you a gold watch
he wins."

Still the friend doubted.

"Why," exclaimed the pickpocket, "I'm willin' to bet you a good gold
watch he wins! Y' know what I'll do? Come through the train with me now,
an' y' can pick out any old watch y' like."

In vain we call old notions fudge
And bend our conscience to our dealing.

The Ten Commandments will not budge
And stealing will continue stealing.

--_Motto of American Copyright League_.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind;
The thief doth fear each bush an officer.

--_Shakespeare_.

_See also_ Chicken stealing; Lawyers; Lost and found.

THIN PEOPLE

There was an old fellow named Green,
Who grew so abnormally lean,
And flat, and compressed,
That his back touched his chest,
And sideways he couldn't be seen.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin,
That when she essayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

THRIFT

It was said of a certain village "innocent" or fool in Scotland that if
he were offered a silver sixpence or copper penny he would invariably
choose the larger coin of smaller value. One day a stranger asked him:

"Why do you always take the penny? Don't you know the difference in
value?

"Aye," answered the fool, "I ken the difference in value. But if I took
the saxpence they would never try me again."

The Mrs. never misses
Any bargain sale,
For the female of the species
Is more thrifty than the male.

MCANDREWS (the chemist, at two A.M.)--"Two penn'orth of bicarbonate of
soda for indigestion at this time o' night, when a glass of hot water
does just as well!"

SANDY (hastily)--"Well, well! Thanks for the advice. I'll not bother ye,
after all.