he would bring home
knowledge.--_Samuel Johnson_.

TREASON

It was during the Parnell agitation in Ireland that an anti-Parnellite,
criticising the ways of tenants in treating absentee landlords,
exclaimed to Archbishop Ryan of Philadelphia: "Why, it looks very much
like treason."

Instantly came the answer in the Archbishop's best brogue: "Sure,
treason is reason when there's an absent 't'."

Treason doth never prosper: what's the reason?
Why if it prosper, none dare call it treason.

TREES

CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Do nuts grow on trees, father?"

FATHER--"They do, my son."

CURIOUS CHARLEY--"Then what tree does the doughnut grow on?"

FATHER--"The pantry, my son."

TRIGONOMETRY

A prisoner was brought before a police magistrate. He looked around and
discovered that his clerk was absent. "Here, officer," he said, "what's
this man charged with?"

"Bigotry, your Honor," replied the policeman. "He's got three wives."

The magistrate looked at the officer as though astounded at such
ignorance. "Why, officer," he said, "that's not bigotry--that's
trigonometry."

TROUBLE

"What is the trouble, wifey?"

"Nothing."

"Yes, there is. What are you crying about, something that happened at
home or something that happened in a novel?"

It was married men's night at the revival meeting.

"Let all you husbands who have troubles on your minds stand up!" shouted
the preacher at the height of his spasm.

Instantly every man in the church arose except one.

"Ah!" exclaimed the preacher, peering out at this lone individual, who
occupied a chair near the door. "You are one in a million."

"It ain't that," piped back this one helplessly as the rest of the
congregation gazed suspiciously at him: "I can't get up--I'm paralyzed!"

JUDGE--"Your innocence is proved. You are acquitted."

PRISONER (to the jury)--"Very sorry, indeed, gentlemen, to have given
you all this trouble for nothing."

A friend of mine, returning to his home in Virginia after several years'
absence, met one of the old negroes, a former servant of his family.
"Uncle Moses," he said, "I hear you got married."

"Yes, Marse Tom, I is, and I's having a moughty troublesome time, Marse
Tom, moughty troublesome."

"What's the trouble?" said my friend.

"Why, dat yaller woman, Marse Tom. She all de time axin' me fer money.
She don't give me no peace."

"How long have you been married, Uncle Moses?"

"Nigh