on ter two years, come dis spring."

"And how much money have you given her?"

"Well, I ain't done gin her none yit."--_Sue M.M. Halsey_.

If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear tight shoes.

Never bear more than one kind of trouble at a time. Some people bear
three--all they have had, all they have now, and all they expect to
have.--_Edward Everett Hale_.

TRUSTS

A trust is known by the companies it keeps.--_Ellis O. Jones_.

TOMPKINS--"Ventley has received a million dollars for his patent egg
dating machine. You know it is absolutely interference-proof, and dates
correctly and indelibly as the egg is being laid."

DEWLEY--"Is the machine on the market yet?"

TOMKINS--"Oh, my no! and it won't be on the market. The patent was
bought by the Cold Storage Trust."

TRUTH

There was a young lady named Ruth,
Who had a great passion for truth.
She said she would die
Before she would lie,
And she died in the prime of her youth.

Women do not really like to deceive their husbands, but they are too
tender-hearted to make them unhappy by telling them the truth.

Nature ... has buried truth deep in the bottom of the
sea.--_Democritus_.

"Tis strange--but true; for truth is always strange, Stranger than
fiction."--_Byron_.

TURKEYS

"Ah," says the Christmas guest. "How I wish I could sit down to a
Christmas dinner with one of those turkeys we raised on the farm, when I
was a boy, as the central figure!"

"Well," says the host, "you never can tell. This may be one of
them."--_Life_.

TUTORS

A tutor who tooted a flute
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tutors to toot?"

--_Carolyn Wells_.

TWINS

"Faith, Mrs. O'Hara, how d' ye till thim twins aparrt?"

"Aw, 't is aisy--I sticks me finger in Dinnis's mouth, an' if he bites I
know it's Moike."--_Harvard Lampoon_.

UMBRELLAS

A man left his umbrella in the stand in a hotel recently, with a card
bearing the following inscription attached to it: "This umbrella belongs
to a man who can deal a blow of 250 pounds weight. I shall be back in
ten minutes." On returning to seek his property he found in its place a
card thus inscribed: "This card was left here by a man who can run
twelve miles an hour. I shall not be back."

A reputable citizen had left four umbrellas to be re