nouncemints iv new publications
that look like th' dilinquent tax-list. They 's a publisher in
ivry block, an' in thousan's iv happy homes some wan is pluggin'
away at th' romantic novel or whalin' out a pome on th' type-writer
up-stairs. A fam'ly without an author is as contimptible as wan
without a priest. Is Malachi near-sighted, peevish, averse to th'
suds, an' can't tell whether th' three in th' front yard is blue
or green? Make an author iv him! Does Miranda prisint no atthractions
to th' young men iv th' neighborhood, does her overskirt dhrag,
an' is she poor with th' gas-range? Make an authoreen iv her!
Forchunitly, th' manly insthinct is often too sthrong f'r th'
designs iv th' fam'ly, an' manny a man that if his parents had had
their way might have been at this moment makin' artificial feet
f'r a deformed pome is l'adin' what me fri'nd Hogan calls a glad,
free, an' timperymintal life on th' back iv a sthreet-car.

"But lithrachoor is th' gr-reat life-wurruk iv th' modhren woman.
Th' conthrol is passin' into th' hands iv th' fair sect, an' th'
day will come whin th' wurrud book will mane no more to an able-bodied
man thin th' wurrud gusset. Women write all th' romantic novels
that ar-re anny good. That's because ivry man thinks th' thrue
hayroe is himsilf, an' ivry woman thinks he's James K. Hackett.
A woman is sure a good, sthrong man ought to be able to kill anny
number iv bad, weak men, but a man is always wondherin' what th'
other la-ad wud do. He might have th' punch left in him that wud
get th' money. A woman niver cares how manny men are kilt, but a
man believes in fair play, an' he'd like to see th' polis intherfere
about Chapter Three.

"Women writes all th' good romantic novels, an' read thim all.
If anny proud la-ad in th' gum business thinks he riprisints th'
ideal iv his wife's soul, he ought to take a look at th' books she
reads. He'll larn there th' reason he's where he is, is because
he was th' on'y chanst, not because he was th' first choice. 'Twud
humble th' haughtiest prince iv thrade to look into th' heart iv
th' woman he cares most f'r an' thinks laste about, an' find that,
instead iv th' photygraft iv a shrewd but kindly man with a thriflin'
absence iv hair on his head an' a burglar-proof safe on his
watch-charm, there's a pitcher iv a young la-ad in green tights
playin' a mandolin to a high front stoop. On th' stoop, with a
rose in her hand, is his lawful-wedded wife, th' lad