zar heerd iv th' war, th' first thing he said was: 'I'm
so sorry. Who is th' United States?' 'An' 'twas It'ly an'
Booloochistan an' Boolgahrya an' even Spain. Spain was our frind
till th' war was over. Thin she rounded on us an' sold us th'
Ph'lippines.

"They was all our frinds an' yet on'y wan iv thim was our frind.
How d'ye make it out, Hinnissy? Hogan has a sayin' that onaisy
lies th' head that wears a crown, but it seems to be as aisy f'r
some iv thim as f'r th' mos' dimmycratic American. But whoiver
it was that saved us I'm thankful to thim. It won't do f'r ye to
look at th' map an' say that th' pow'rful protictin' nation wud
be hardly big enough f'r a watch charm f'r a man fr'm Texas, or
that Europeen assistance f'r America is about as useful as a crutch
f'r a foot-runner. But f'r th' inthervention iv our unknown frind,
we'd've been annihilated. Th' powers wud've got together an' they
wud've sint over a fleet that wud've been turrble if it didn't
blow up an' th' crews didn't get sea-sick. They wud've sint an
irresistible ar-rmy; an' fin'ly if all else failed, they wud
rayfuse food. That's goin' to be th' unsixpicted blow iv anny war
that th' parishes iv Europe wages again' us. They will decline
to eat. They will turn back our wheat an' pork an' short rib
sides. They'll starve us out. If left to their own resoorces,
Europe cud outstarve America in a month."

"I'm not afraid iv thim," said Mr. Hennessy. "Whin I was a young
man, I cud take a runnin' jump acrost Germany or France, an' as
f'r England we'd hardly thrip over it in th' dark."

"Perhaps ye're right," said Mr. Dooley. "But if all thim gr-reat
powers, as they say thimsilves, was f'r to attack us, d'ye know
what I'd do? I'll tell ye. I'd blockade Armour an' Comp'ny an'
th' wheat ilivators iv Minnysoty. F'r, Hinnissy, I tell ye, th'
hand that rocks th' scales in th' grocery store, is th' hand that
rules th' wurruld."

The Philippine Peace

"'Tis sthrange we don't hear much talk about th' Ph'lippeens," said
Mr. Hennessy.

"Ye ought to go to Boston," said Mr. Dooley. "They talk about it
there in their sleep. Th' raison it's not discussed annywhere
else is that ivrything is perfectly quiet there. We don't talk
about Ohio or Ioway or anny iv our other possissions because they'se
nawthin' doin' in thim parts. Th' people ar-re goin' ahead,
garnerin' th' products iv th' sile, sindin' their childher to
school, worshipin' on Sund