ye'd pick up th'
pa-apers an' see: 'Seeryous news about th' Cap'n iv th' twinty-sicond
precinct iv th' sixth ward. He has brain fever. He has not. He
got in a fight with a Swede an' had his ribs stove in. He fell
out iv th' window iv a joolry store he was burglarizin' an' broke
th' left junction iv th' sizjymoid cartilage. Th' throuble with
th' Cap'n is he dhrinks too much. A man iv his age who has been
a soak all his life always succumbs to anny throuble like
hyperthroopily iv th' cranium. Docthor Muggers, dean iv th' Post
Gradyate Vethrinary school iv Osteopathy says he had a similar
case las' year in Mr. Hinnery Haitch Clohessy, wan iv th' best
known citizens iv this city. Like th' Cap, Mr. Clohessy was a
high liver, a heavy dhrinker, a gambler an' a flirt. Th' cases
are almost identical. Owin' to th' code iv pro-fissional eethics
Dr. Muggers cud not tell th' bereaved fam'ly what ailed Misther
Clohessy, but it was undoubtedly his Past Life.'

"Thin come th' doctors. Not wan doctor, Hinnissy, to give ye a
whiff out iv a towel an' make ye sleep f'r an hour an' wake up an'
say 'I fooled ye. Whin do ye begin?' No, but all iv thim. They
escort th' prisoner up th' sthreet in a chariot, an' th' little
newsboys runs alongside sellin' exthry papers. 'Our night edition
will print th' inside facts about Cap Dooley's condition, an' th'
Cap himsilf with a cinematograph iv th' jolly proceedin's be Dock
Laparatonny.' What happens to th' criminal at first is th' same
as if he was a dacint, wurrukin' man. But whin that is done, an'
'tis gettin' so aisy they tell me they'se not much diff'rence
between a good clam-salesman an' a first-class surgeon, th' lithry
wurruk begins. Ye think 'tis all over whin ye say: 'Dock, put
ye'er hand undher th' pillow an' take what's there.' But not so.
Th' assembled docks adjourn to a large hall an' prepare th' story
iv 'Cap Dooley; a Stormy Career. Be wan who knows.'

"'Upon seein' th' Cap, we at once diagnosed th' case as
peritclipalitickipantilitisitis, or chicken bone in th' throat.
Dr. Pincers operated, Dr. Smothers administhered th' annysthetic,
Dr. Hygeen opened th' window, Dr. Anodyne turned on th' gas, Dr.
Aluompaine turned th' pitchers to th' wall, Dr. Rambo looked out
th' window, Docthors Peroxide, Gycal, Cephalgern, Antipyreen an'
Coltar took a walk in th' park, an' Doctor Saliclate figured up
th' bill. As we have said we diagnosed th' case as above. We
can't raymimber