in th'
reward. I'm always a little hazy about th' details iv how I saved
th' girl fr'm th' rapids iv Niagra whin I can't swim, or how I
happened to hit th' tiger in th' eye whin I'm so afraid iv firearms,
or how I stopped th' runaway team whin I know that th' other day
whin th' milkman's horse broke loose th' best I cud do was run to
th' edge iv th' sidewalk an' wring me hands an' yell: "Whoa!" But
th' grateful millyonaire is always distinct. I can always hear
th' cheers iv th' crowd as I come dhrippin' fr'm th' wather.
Though th' raison I happened to be ladin' me rig'mint up th' hill
iv San Joon is not clear to me now, I can plainly see mesilf
returnin' fr'm th' war, bronzed and weather-beaten, settin' erect
on me horse an' respondin' to th' frantic cheers iv th' multichood
with a slight bow. I always used to lose an arm or part iv an
arm, but I've larned that isn't nicess'ry.

"An' where have all these advintures occurred, d'ye say? Well,
some iv th' most feerocyous iv thim happened in me bedroom, an'
some on th' front stoop iv th' house on warm moonlight nights, but
most iv thim here in this room in front iv th' fire. Be rights
th' walls ought to be dic'rated with moose antlers, tigers' heads,
diplomas, soords, votes iv Congress, medals an' autygrafted pitchers
iv th' crowned heads iv Europe. Th' best advintures anny iv us
has is at home in a comf'rtable room--th' mos' excitin' an' th'
asiest. Ye can make ye'ersilf as brave as ye want an' as cool,
ye avide mussin' ye'er clothes, ye flavor with danger to suit th'
taste, an' ye get a good dale more applause an' get it quicker
thin th' other kind iv hayro. F'r manny years I've shot all me
tigers fr'm this rockin' chair."

Rights and Privileges of Women

"Woman's rights? What does a woman want iv rights whin she has
priv'leges? Rights is th' last thing we get in this wurruld.
They're th' nex' things to wrongs. They're wrongs tur-ned inside
out. We have th' right to be sued f'r debt instead iv lettin' the
bill run, which is a priv'lege. We have th' right to thrile be a
jury iv our peers, a right to pay taxes an' a right to wurruk.
None iv these things is anny good to me. They'se no fun in thim.
All th' r-rights I injye I don't injye. I injye th' right to
get money, but I niver have had anny money to spind. Th'
constichooshion guarantees me th' right to life, but I die; to
liberty, but if I thry bein' too free I'm locked up; an' to th'
pursoot iv