had money enough
to buy a hat but he cud go to th' sicrety iv th' threasury an'
tell him who's pitcher to put on th' useful valentines we thrade
f'r groceries.

"But if Hor'ce Greeley was alive today where'd he be? Settin' on
three inches iv th' edge iv a chair in th' outside office iv me
frind Pierpont Morgan waitin' f'r his turn. In th' line is th'
Imp'ror iv Germany, th' new cook, th' prisidint iv a railroad, th'
cap'n iv th' yacht, Rimbrandt th' painther, Jawn W. Grates, an'
Hor'ce. Afther awhile th' boy at th' dure says: 'Ye're next, ol'
party. Shtep lively f'r th' boss has had a Weehawken Peerooginy
sawed off on him this mornin' an' he mustn't he kep' waitin'.' An'
th' iditor goes in. 'Who ar-re ye?' says th' gr-reat man,
givin' him wan iv thim piercin' looks that whin a man gets it he
has to be sewed up at wanst. 'I'm ye'er iditor,' says Hor'ce.
'What's ye'er spishilty?' 'Tahriff an' th' improvemint iv th'
wurruld,' says Hor'ce. 'See Perkins,' says Pierpont, an' th'
intherview is over. Now what's made th' change? Mechanical Science,
Hinnissy. Some wan made a masheen that puts steel billets within
th' reach iv all. Hince Charlie Schwab.

"What's it done f'r th' wurruld? says ye. It's done ivrything.
It's give us fast ships an' an autymatic hist f'r th' hod, an'
small flats an' a taste iv solder in th' peaches. If annybody
says th' wurruld ain't betther off thin it was, tell him that a
masheen has been invinted that makes honey out iv pethrolyum. If
he asts ye why they ain't anny Shakesperes today, say: 'No, but
we no longer make sausages he hand.'

"'Tis pro-gress. We live in a cinchry iv pro-gress an' I thank
th' Lord I've seen most iv it. Man an' boy I've lived pretty near
through this wondherful age. If I was proud I cud say I seen more
thin Julyus Caesar iver see or cared to. An' here I am, I'll not
say how old, still pushin' th' malt acrost th' counther at me
thirsty counthrymen. All around me is th' refinemints iv mechanical
janius. Instead iv broachin' th' beer kag with a club an' dhrawin'
th' beer through a fassit as me Puritan forefathers done, I have
that wondher iv invintive science th' beer pump. I cheat mesilf
with a cash raygisther. I cut off th' end iv me good cigar with
an injanyous device an' pull th' cork out iv a bottle with a
conthrivance that wud've made that frind that Hogan boasts about,
that ol' boy Archy Meeds, think they was witchcraft in th' house.
Science has b