ave something to do that
ye ought to do, but didn't want to, an' while ye was wishin' ye
was dead, did ye happen to pick up a newspaper? Ye know what
occurred. Ye didn't jus' skim through th' spoortin' intillygince
an' th' crime news. Whin ye got through with thim, ye read th'
other quarther iv th' pa-aper. Ye read about people ye niver heerd
iv, an' happenin's ye didn't undhersthand--th' fashion notes, th'
theatrical gossip, th' s'ciety news fr'm Peoria, th' quotations
on oats, th' curb market, th' rale-estate transfers, th' marredge
licenses, th' death notices, th' want ads., th' dhrygoods bargains,
an' even th' iditoryals. Thin ye r-read thim over again, with a
faint idee ye'd read thim befure. Thin ye yawned, studied th'
design iv th' carpet, an' settled down to wurruk. Was ye exercisin'
ye-er joynt intelleck while ye was readin'? No more thin if ye'd
been whistlin' or writin' ye-er name on a pa-aper. If anny wan
else but me come along they might say: 'What a mind Hinnissy has!
He's always readin'.' But I wud kick th' book or pa-aper out iv
ye-er hand, an' grab ye be th' collar, an' cry 'Up, Hinnissy, an'
to wurruk!' f'r I'd know ye were loafin'. Believe me, Hinnissy,
readin' is not thinkin'. It seems like it, an' whin it comes out
in talk sometimes, it sounds like it. It's a kind iv nearthought
that looks ginooine to th' thoughtless, but ye can't get annything
on it. Manny a man I've knowed has so doped himsilf with books
that he'd stumble over a carpet-tack.

"Am I again' all books, says ye? I'm not. If I had money, I'd
have all th' good lithrachoor iv th' wurruld on me table at this
minyit. I mightn't read it, but there it'd be so that anny iv me
frinds cud dhrop in an' help thimsilves if they didn't care f'r
other stimylants. I have no taste f'r readin', but I won't deny
it's a good thing f'r thim that's addicted to it. In modheration,
mind ye. In modheration, an' afther th' chores is done. F'r as
a frind iv Hogan's says, 'Much readin' makes a full man,' an' he
knew what he was talkin' about. An' do I object to th' pursuit
iv lithrachoor? Oh, faith, no. As a pursuit 'tis fine, but it may
be bad f'r anny wan that catches it."

The Law's Delays

"If I had me job to pick out," said Mr. Dooley, "I'd be a judge.
I've looked over all th' others an' that's th' on'y wan that suits.
I have th' judicyal timperamint. I hate wurruk.

"Ivrybody else is pushed an' hurrid in this tumulchuse ag