ost impossibly stupid of young women, and consume an unending
amount of alcohol. You are then prepared for the bachelor dinner, the
bridal dinner, the bridesmaids, the wedding, and the wedding reception.

DUTIES OF THE BEST MAN

Upon your arrival in the city where the wedding is to take place you
will be met by the bridegroom, who will take you to the home of the
bride where you are to stay. There you are met by the bride's father.
"This is my best man," says the groom. "The best man?" replies her
father. "Well, may the best man win." At once you reply, "Ha! Ha!
Ha!" He then says, "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" to which the
correct answer is, "Yes, sir, but I hope it isn't my last."

The bride's mother then appears. "This is my best man," says the groom.
"Well," says she, "remember--the best man doesn't always win." "Ha! Ha!
Ha!" you at once reply. "Is this your first visit to Chicago?" says she,
to which you answer, "Yes--but I hope it isn't my last."

You are then conducted to your room, where you are left alone to unpack.
In a few minutes the door will open and a small boy enter. This is the
brother of the bride. You smile at him pleasantly and remark, "Is this
your first visit to Chicago?" "What are you doing?" is his answer.
"Unpacking," you reply. "What's that?" says he. "A cutaway," you reply.
"What's that?" says he. "A collar bag." "What's that?" "A dress shirt."
"What's that?" says he. "Another dress shirt." "What's that?" says he.
"Say, listen," you reply, "don't I hear some one calling you?" "No,"
says he, "what's that?" "That," you reply, with a sigh of relief, "is
a razor. Here--take it and play with it." In three minutes, if you have
any luck at all, the bride's brother will have cut himself severely in
several places which will cause him to run crying from the room. You can
then finish unpacking.

THE BRIDE'S TEA

The first function of the pre-nuptial festivities is generally a tea
at the bride's home, where the ushers and bridesmaids meet to become
"acquainted." It is your duty, as best man, to go to the hotel where the
ushers are stopping and bring them to this tea. Just as you will leave
on this mission the groom will whisper in your ear, "For God's sake,
remember to tell them that her father and mother are terribly opposed
to drinking in any form." This is an awfully good joke on her father and
mother.

As you step out of the hotel elevator you hear at the end of the hall a
chorus