should not insist on a salad and a
dessert, for probably it is not hunger which is occasioning the outcry.
Perhaps it is a pin, in which case you should at once bend every
effort to the discovery and removal of the irritant. The most generally
accepted modern way of effecting this consists in passing a large
electro-magnet over every portion of the child's anatomy and the pin
(if pin there be) will of course at once come to light. Then, too, many
small children cry merely because they have swallowed something which
does not agree with them, such as, for example, a gold tooth or a shoe
horn; the remedy in this case consists in IMMEDIATELY feeding the child
the proper counter irritant. There is, really, no great mystery
about the successful raising of children and with a few common sense
principles, such as presented above, any mother may relieve herself of a
great deal of useless anxiety. I hope I may be pardoned for a digression
here, but I feel very strongly that "today's babies are tomorrow's
citizens" and I do want to see them brought up in the proper way.

But to return to our train. Perhaps by this time the mother and Elmer
will have returned and you will be relieved of further investigation as
to the cause of the infant's discomfort. A few minutes later, however,
little Elmer will say "Mama, I want the window open." This request will
be duly referred to you via the line of authority. It is then your duty
to assume a firm upright stance, with the weight evenly distributed
on both feet, and work for twelve minutes and thirty-nine seconds in a
terrific struggle to raise the windows. At the end of twelve minutes and
forty seconds you will succeed, the window will slowly go up, and the
train will at once enter a tunnel, filling the car and you with coal
smoke. In the resulting darkness and confusion you should seize little
Elmer, throw him quickly out of the open window and make your escape to
the gentlemen's smoking compartment in the rear of your car.

In the "smoker" you will find three men. The first of these will be
saying "and he told me that a bootlegger he knew had cleaned up a
thousand dollars a week since January." The second will say "Well down
where I come from there's men who never took a drink before prohibition
who get drunk all the time now." The third will say "Well, I tell you,
men--the saloon had to go."

Provision for satisfying the "inner man" is now a regular part of the
equipment of all modern