back into
your berth and pajamas.

Once inside your "bunk" you should drift quickly off to slumberland, and
when you wake up it will be five minutes later and the--------engineer
will be trying to see what he can do with an air brake and a few steel
sleeping cars.

In the morning you will be in New York.

CHAPTER FOUR: AT THE CONCERT AND THE OPERA

In order to listen to music intelligently--or what is really much
more important--in order to give the appearance of listening to music
intelligently, it is necessary for the novice to master thoroughly two
fundamental facts.

The first, and most important of these, is that the letter "w" in
Russian is pronounced like "v"; the second, that Rachmaninoff has a
daughter at Vassar.

Not very difficult, surely--but it is remarkable how much enjoyment one
can get out of music by the simple use of these two formulas. With a
little practise in their use, the veriest tyro can bewilder her escort
even though she be herself so musically uninformed as to think that the
celeste is only used in connection with Aida, or that a minor triad is
perhaps a young wood nymph.

One other important fundamental is that enthusiasm should never be
expressed for any music written after 1870; by a careful observance of
this rule one will constantly experience that delightful satisfaction
which comes with finding one's opinions shared by the music critics in
the daily press.

{illustration caption = The young lady in the picture has just laid out
a perfect drive. She had, unfortunately, neglected to wait until the
gentleman playing ahead of her had progressed more than fifteen yards
down the fairway, and her ball, traveling at a velocity of 1675 f.s.,
has caught the gentleman squarely in the half-pint bottle. What mistake,
if any, is the gentleman making in chasing her off the course with his
niblick, if we assume that she called "Fore!" when the ball had attained
to within three feet of the gentleman?}

{illustration caption = You will exclaim, no doubt, on looking at the
scene depicted above, "Cherchez la femme." It is, however, nothing
so serious as you will pardonably suppose. The gentleman is merely an
inexperienced "gun" at a shooting-party, who has begun following his
bird before it has risen above the head of his loader. This very clumsy
violation of the etiquette of sport proves, beyond the shadow of a
doubt, that he has learned to shoot from the comic papers, and that his
coa