t-of-arms can never again be looked upon as anything but bogus.}

LISTENING TO A SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA

The first thing to do on arriving at a symphony concert is to express
the wish that the orchestra will play Beethoven's Fifth. If your
companion then says "Fifth what?" you are safe with him for the rest
of the evening; no metal can touch you. If, however, he says "So do
I"--this is a danger signal and he may require careful handling.

The next step is a glance at the program. If your escort is quite good
looking and worth cultivating, the obvious remark is "Oh dear--not a
very interesting program, to-night. But George--LOOK at what they are
playing next Thursday! My, I wish--." If George shies at this, it can be
tried again later--say during an "appassionato" passage for the violins
and cellos.

As soon as the music starts, all your attention should be directed
toward discovering someone who is making a noise--whispering or
coughing; having once located such a creature, you should immediately
"sh-sh" him. Should he continue the offence, a severe frown must
accompany the next "sh-sh," a lorgnette--if available--adding great
effectiveness to the rebuke. This will win you the gratitude of your
neighbors and serve to establish your position socially, as well as
musically--for perfect "sh-shers" do not come from the lower classes.

At the conclusion of the first number the proper remark is "hmmm,"
accompanied by a slow shake of the head. After this you may use any one
of a number of remarks, as for example, "Well, I suppose Mendelssohn
appeals to a great many people," or "That was meaningless enough to have
been written by a Russian." This latter is to be preferred, for it leads
your companion to say, "But don't you like TschaiKOWsky?", pronouncing
the second syllable as if the composer were a female bull. You can
then reply, "Why, yes, TschaiKOFFsky DID write some rather good
music--although it's all neurotic and obviously Teutonic." Don't fail to
stress the "v."

The next number on the program will probably be the soloist--say, a
coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don't really
care for the human voice--the reason being, of course, that symphonic
Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics.
This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you
prefer.

Ans.--Why, a piano concerto, of course.

Ques.--And who is your favorite pianist?

Ans.--Rachma