e arrival of the train you consult your ticket to find that
you have "lower 9" in car 43. Walking back to the end of the train and
entering car 43 you will find, in berth number 9, a tired woman and
two small children. You will also find a hat box, a bird cage, a bag of
oranges, a bag of orange peelings, a shoe-box of lunch, a rag doll, a
toy balloon, half a "cookie" and 8,000,000 crumbs. The tired woman will
then say to you "Are you the gentleman who has the lower berth?" to
which you answer "Yes." She will then say "Well say--we've got the
upper--and I wonder if you would mind--" "Not at, all," you reply, "I
should be only too glad to give you my lower." This is always done.

After you have seated yourself and the train has started the lady's
little boy will announce, "I want a drink, Mama." After he has repeated
this eleven times his mother will say to you "I wonder if you would mind
holding the baby while I take Elmer to get a drink?"

The etiquette of holding babies is somewhat difficult for bachelors to
master at first as there are no hard and fast rules governing conduct
under these circumstances. An easy "hold" for beginners and one which is
difficult for the ordinary baby to break consists in wrapping the left
and right arms firmly around the center of the child, at the same time
clutching the clothing with the right hand and the toes with the left
and praying to God that the damn thing won't drop.

In this particular case, after Elmer and his mother have gone down the
aisle after a drink, the baby which you are holding will at once begin
to cry. Now as every mother knows, and especially those mothers who have
had children, a baby does not cry without some specific reason and all
that is necessary in the present instance is to discover this reason.
First of all, the child may be merely hungry, in which case you should
at once ask the porter to bring you the a la carte menu. You should then
carefully go over the list of dishes with the infant, taking care to
spell out and explain such names as he may not understand. "How would
you like some nice assorted hors d'oeuvres?" you say. "Waaaaa!" says
the baby. "No hors d'oeuvres," you say to the waiter. "Some blue points,
perhaps--you know, o-y-s-t-e-r-s?" You might even act out a blue point
or two, as in charades, so that the child will understand what you mean.
In case, however, the baby does not cease crying after having eaten
the first three or four courses, you