o our Lord to assist me,
and He was my refuge. As my age differed from theirs (for my husband
was twenty-two years older than I) I saw well that there was no
probability of changing their dispositions, which were fortified with
years. I found that whatever I said was offensive, not excepting those
things which others would have been pleased with.

One day, weighed down with grief and in despair, about six months after
I was married, being alone, I was tempted even to cut out my tongue so
I might no longer irritate those who seized every word I uttered with
rage and resentment.

But Thou, O God, didst stop me short and showed me my folly. I prayed
continually, and wished even to become dumb, so simple and ignorant was
I. Though I have had my share of crosses, I never found any so
difficult to support as that of perpetual contrariety without
relaxation of doing all one can to please, without succeeding, but
still offending by the very means designed to oblige. Being kept with
such persons, in a most severe confinement, from morning till night,
without ever daring to quit them is most difficult. I have found that
great crosses overwhelm, and stifle all anger. Such a continual
contrariety irritates and stirs up sourness in the heart. It has such
strange effect, that it requires the utmost efforts of self-restraint,
not to break out into vexation and rage.

My condition in marriage was rather that of a slave than of a free
person. I perceived, four months after my marriage, that my husband was
gouty. This malady caused many crosses within and without. He had the
gout twice the first year, six weeks each time. He was so much plagued
with it, that he came no more out of his room, nor out of his bed. He
was in bed usually for several months. I carefully attended him
although so very young. I did not fail to exert myself to the utmost in
the performance of my duty. Alas! all this did not gain me friendship.
I had not the consolation to know whether what I did was agreeable. I
denied myself all the most innocent diversions to continue with my
husband. I did whatever I thought would please him. Sometimes he
quietly suffered me, and then I esteemed myself very happy. At other
times I seemed insupportable to him. My particular friends said, "I was
of a fine age indeed to be a nurse to an invalid, and that it was a
shameful thing that I did not set more value on my talents." I
answered, "Since I have a husband, I ought to share hi