iam, what's become of Robert?"
"What, 'aven't you 'eard, sir?" "No! Not _defunct_, I hope!" "That's
just exactly what he _'as_ done, sir, and walked off with heverything he
could lay his 'ands on!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A SALVE FOR THE CONSCIENCE

_Vegetarian Professor._ "No, madam, not even fish. I cannot sanction the
destruction of life. These little creatures, for instance, were but
yesterday swimming happily in the sea."

_Mrs. O'Laughlan._ "Oh but, Professor, just think it's the first time
the poor little things have ever been really warm in their lives!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: FELICITOUS QUOTATION

"Oh, Robert, the grouse has been kept too long! I wonder you can eat
it!"

"My dear, 'we needs must love the highest when we see it.'"

(_Guinevere._)]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Little Boreham_ (_relating his Alpine adventures_).
"There I stood, the terrible abyss yawning at my feet----" _That Brute
Brown._ "Was it yawning when you got there, or did it start after you
arrived?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: At a dinner given by my Lord Broadacres to some of his
tenants, curacoa is handed in a liqueur-glass to old Turnitops, who,
swallowing it with much relish, says--"Oi zay, young man! Oi'll tak zum
o' that in a moog!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: PRICE FOR AGE

_Mr. Green._ "You needn't be afraid of that glass of wine, uncle. It's
thirty-four port, you know."

_Uncle._ "Thirty-four port!--Thirty-four fiddlesticks! It's no more
thirty-four port than you are!"

_Mr. Green._ "It _is_ I can assure you! Indeed, it's _really
thirty-six_; and _thirty-four if you return the bottles_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: FLUNKEIANA

_Master._ "Thompson, I believe that I have repeatedly expressed an
objection to being served with stale bread at dinner. How is it my
wishes have not been attended to?"

_Thompson._ "Well, sir, I reely don't know what is to be done! It won't
do to waste it, and we _can't_ eat it downstairs!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: CONCLUSIVE

SCENE--_Hibernian Table d'hote_

_Guest._ "Waiter! I say--this is pork! I want mutton!"

_Waiter_ (_rather bustled_). "Yes, sorr, it's mutton ye _want_--but it's
pork ye'll _have_!"]

* * * *