ionery. You know I've had none----"

_Irish Waiter._ "Faix! yer honour, I don't know. Y'ave been sittin' here
a long t-h-ime, anyhow!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "A STRICT REGARD FOR TRUTH."--_Nephew._ "Hold up, uncle,
people'll think you're screwed!"

_Uncle_ (_the wedding breakfast had been hilarious_). "Shcrew'd! No, no,
Sheorgsh! No' sh' bad 'sh that! 'Shame time--don' le'sh be"--(_lurching
heavily_)--"osht'n--tas'hly shober! 'Can't bear osht'ntash'n!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: SEASONABLE LUXURY

_Old Gent_ (_disgusted_). "Here, waiter! Here's a--here's
a--a--caterpillar in this chop!"

_Waiter_ (_flippantly_). "Yessir. About the time o' year for 'em just
now, sir!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THE "STATUS QUO ANTE."--_Squire_ (_desiring to improve
the taste of his country friends, has introduced at his table, in the
place of the usual brandied Spanish and Portuguese wines, the natural
vintages of France and Germany_). "Now, Mr. Barleymead, how do you like
this 'Chateau Lafitte'? Another glass----" _Farmer B._ "Thanky, sir;
it's uncommon nice.--(_He had drunk a bottle or two._)--But we don't
seem to get no forruder!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: COMING OUT AS A CONVERSATIONALIST

_Young Ganderson_ (_proudly conscious of the general attention_) "Oh
yes, it's in _Soho_, you know. I know the place well. They give you a
capital dinner for eighteenpence--wine included."

_Host_ (_proud of his cellar_). "And is the wine drinkable?"

_Young Ganderson._ "Oh yes--very good--better than the wine we're
drinking now!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: AN AFFECTIONATE HUSBAND

_Tomkins._ "You are going it, old fellow! Real turtle, eh? and venison
to follow, eh?"

_Jobkins._ "Why, yes--you see it's my wife's birthday; and as she dines
early, I thought I'd celebrate the anniversary in the city."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: MISTAKEN IDENTITY.--(_As the De Smiths, to whose
dinner-party he was invited, lived in the next square, Brown thought he
would walk over._) _Head waiter_ (_under a wrong impression_). "This
won't do, young man! We've been expectin' o' you this 'our and a 'alf!
No napkins laid, no glasses, no----!!!"

[_Brown never got over it all the evening._]

* * * * *

[Illustration