_Old Waiter._ "Hem!--yessir--but--you'll pard'n me, sir--we've so many
gents--'don't wish to impute nothink, sir--but master--'fact is,
sir--(_evidently feels a delicacy about mentioning it_)--we're--you see,
sir--'_sponsible for the plate, sir_!!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: GRAND BURNS' FESTIVAL--BROWN ENTERTAINS HIS FRIEND WI' A
HAGGIS!]

* * * * *

DISCLAIMER BY A DINER-OUT

Abolish party? Whose delight were greater
Than mine? I hail the chance with rapture hearty.
But oh! I _can't_ agree with the _Spectator_,
Who'd do away with--gods!--the dinner party!
No, let us compromise,--we'll all be winners,--
And firmly banish party from our dinners!

* * * * *

SYMPATHY

(SCENE--_In front of Mrs. R.'s house_)

_Mrs. Ramsbotham_ (_paying Cabman_). You look all right to-day.

_Cabman._ Ah, mum! my looks don't pity me. I suffer from a tarpaulin
liver.

_Mrs. R._ (_correcting_). A torpedo liver, you mean.

[_Cabman accepts the correction, and an extra shilling_]

* * * * *

[Illustration]

* * * * *

[Illustration: HAPPY THOUGHT.--_Sir Pompey Bedell_ (_poking the fire in
his new smoking-room_). "This wretched chimney has got into a most
objectionable way of smoking. A--I can't cure it." _Bedell Junior._
"Just give it a couple of your cigars, governor!--it'll never smoke
again!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "CRAMMING"]

* * * * *

"CRAMMING."

_Affectionate Uncle._ "Glad to see you, Rupert. Now tell me all about
it. What form are you in, old boy?"

_Nephew_ (_just returned from Harrow_). "Well, uncle, not so bad, I
think. I can generally manage a couple of eggs, two sausages, or
kidneys, some Dundee marmalade, and two cups of coffee for breakfast. I
always have a little luncheon, any amount of roast beef or mutton for
dinner, and I generally look in at the confectioner's in the afternoon,
and invariably wind up with a good supper. What do you think of that?"

[_Disappointed and misunderstood uncle subsides,
and thinks it best to make no comments._

[Illustration]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Old Gentleman_ (_who has not hurried over his dinner,
and has just got his bill_). "Waiter, what's this? I'm charged here
twopence for stat