Uncle._ "Now then, what is it? This is the fourth time you've woke me
up, sir!"

_Juvenile._ "Oh! Just put a few coals on the fire, and pass the wine,
that's a good old chap."]

* * * * *

NURSERIANA.--_Little Chris._ "Oh! mamma, mamma, baby's moulted again."

_Mamma._ "Moulted! What do you mean?"

_Little Chris._ "Why, he's just dropped another tooth!"

* * * * *

[Illustration: SAFEST WAY OF TAKING A LADY DOWN TO DINNER

(Another reminiscence of the days of the crinoline)]

* * * * *

[Illustration: SAT UPON

_Hospitable Host._ "Does any gentleman say pudden?"

_Precise Guest._ "No, sir. No _gentleman_ says _pudden_."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: UNEXPECTED GRATUITY.--_Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir, but I
think you've made a mistake. This is a halfpenny!"

_Old Gent_ (_grandly_). "Oh dear no--not at all, not at all! I never
give less!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _Hickling_ (_to friend, who finds some difficulty in
keeping his cigar alight_). "I say, old man, what matches do you
smoke?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: _He._ "Fond of Bridge?"

_She._ "Awfully!"

_He._ "Do you know I always think there's something _wanting_ in people
who don't play?"]

* * * * *

[Illustration:

_Old Party_ (_very naturally excited_). "Why, confound you! You are
wiping my plate with your handkerchief!"

_Waiter_ (_blandly_). "It's of no consequence, sir--it's only a dirty
one!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: IN DESPERATE STRAITS

_Jones_ (_blue ribbon--to abstemious lady he has taken in to dinner_).
"Look here, madam, we don't seem to be getting on a _bit_! Either you
must have a glass of champagne, or, by Jove, I must!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

_Guest_ (_who is a bon-vivant, to host, who isn't_). "You must come and
dine with _me_, Jones!"

_Host._ "With pleasure, my dear friend! When?"

_Guest._ "_Now!_"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "NOT QUITE THE CHEESE!"

_British Farmer._ "What sort o' cheese do you call this? Full o' holes!"

_Waiter._ "Grew-yere, sir."

_British Farmer_ (_suspiciously_). "Then just bring one that grew
somewhere else!"]