a dinner off the joint is
five shillings, but if you only have made dishes and soup, it's two
shillings and sixpence?"

_Waiter._ "That, sir, is on account of the very high price of butcher's
meat just now, sir."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: SELF-EXAMINATION

_Party_ (_slightly influenced_). "Queshion ish! Am I fit to go
intodrawingroom? Letsh shee!--I can shay gloriush conshyshusn!--Have
seen Brish inshychusion--all that shortothing--thatledo--here gosh!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: DURING THE CATTLE SHOW.--_Old Farmer Wuzzle_ (_reading
the bill of fare_). "Dinners har lar cart! What does that mean, Polly?"
_Miss Wuzzle_ (_who has been to a fashionable boarding-school to be
finished, who has been taught French and how "to spank the grand
pianner" and who is never at a loss_). "Aller cart, father? Why, that
means a small, simple dinner. If you want something heavy and
first-rate, you order what they call a dinner waggon!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--_Brown_ (_behind the age,
but hungry_). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter."

_Head Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir?"

_Brown._ "The bill of fare."

_Head Waiter._ "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(_to
subordinate_)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the _menoo_!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "MELTING!"

_Stout Chairman_ (_who feels the fire close at his back rather
oppressive_). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen."

_Waiter._ "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!"

_Stout Chairman._ "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up
the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as
the one I had here last week."

"Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER"

"All right, sir! My fault!"]

* * * * *

DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE

(_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors_)

SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left,
and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._

_Smith._ I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did
you get that toast-and-water?

_Brown._ I thought