hat depends on what company he's in!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID

"You can't go home when it's raining like this. You'd better stay and
have dinner with us!"

"Oh, it's not quite so bad as _that_!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: FREAKS OF NATURE

_Waiter._ "Now, then, look sharp! Here's that mutton chop a biling with
rage at bein' kep' waitin', and a beefsteak gone away in a towering
passion!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: A NEW DISH

_Sympathising Swell_ (_waiting for some chicken_). "You've got no
sinecure there, Thomas!"

_Perspiring Footman._ "Very sorry, sir--just 'elped the last of it away,
sir!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: ALARMING SYMPTOMS AFTER EATING BOILED BEEF AND GOOSEBERRY
PIE

_Little Boy._ "Oh, lor, mar, I feel just exactly as if my jacket was
buttoned."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: BROWN AND JONES OVER THEIR WINE

_Jones._ "How would I take Cronstadt? With vigour and decision, nothing
more easy. My dear Brown, look here. This table is the Baltic, very
well. Now look--(_Jones places certain strawberries for the forts; the
city of Cronstadt on this occasion only being represented by a plate of
gooseberries at the back._) Here we are. The strawberries the forts:
Cronstadt the gooseberries. Now a little vigour and decision! This spoon
is the _Duke of Wellington_, three-decker, leading the van. We go in
here, firing both broadsides at once, to destroy the forts to larboard
and starboard; while at the same time our guns in the bows and
stern-sheets smash the other forts before and behind. Very good. We are
then in front of Cronstadt--the city of Cronstadt. We shell that, sir;
shell it of course! Blow up the powder-magazines; capitulation ensues;
the Russian fleet is in a blaze, and, my dear Brown, that is how _I_
would take Cronstadt----"

_Brown._ "----After dinner."]

* * * * *

[Illustration: HEAVY

_Stranger_ (_just arrived at the City of Eastminster_). "What can I have
for dinner, waiter?"

_Waiter._ "Anything you please, sir!"

_Stranger._ "What are you celebrated for here?"

_Waiter._ "Well, sir, there's the cathedral----!!"]

* * * * *

[Illustration: HORRIBLE SUSPICION

_Old Gentleman._ "Oh, waiter, why is it that