sionally!"]

* * * * *

THE DINNER CHAIRMAN'S VADE MECUM

(_Compiled for the use of Orators during the Month of May Mouthings_)

_Question._ You are accustomed to take the chair at a public dinner?

_Answer._ Yes. Or, to speak by the card, a dinner for the rest of the
company.

_Q._ Why, do you not partake of the good cheer before you with the rest
of your convives?

_A._ Certainly not. I have to speak later on--a consideration which
entirely destroys my appetite.

_Q._ Is there anything new to be said in the loyal toasts?

_A._ No; and therefore it is better to return to the simplest form,
which is sure to be received with heartfelt enthusiasm.

_Q._ What can be said about the united service?

_A._ That it is absolutely delightful to expend millions in the
furtherance of their interests.

_Q._ And can anything interesting be put in about the Houses of
Parliament?

_A._ Not much. Sneers at the Lords are no longer popular, and the Lower
House is too respectable to be anything but a dull subject.

_Q._ What about the toast of the evening?

_A._ That must be left to the secretary, who will furnish the chairman
with the necessary facts, which may be mixed with original remarks,
two-thirds humorous to one-third pathetic.

_Q._ How are the visitors to be treated?

_A._ With fulsome eulogy or comic depreciation inspired by the pages of
that excellent manual, _Who's Who_. Particular attention can be paid to
the entries under "Recreations" in that admirable work, for appropriate
chaff.

_Q._ And in what terms does a chairman respond to the toast of his own
health?

_A._ In a few muttered words addressed to an audience composed of a
gentleman fast asleep, the toast-master, and the waiters.

* * * * *

[Illustration: SOCIAL AGONIES.--"I say, old chap, it's short notice, but
_do_ come and dine this next Thursday!" "Can't, dear old man. I'm
engaged three deep for the night!" "Oh, sorry! I've got the Duke and
Duchess of Runnymede, and Lord Savory!" "Oh,"--(_seeing it in quite a
different light_)--"_next_ Thursday, did you say? I thought you said
Thursday _week_. Oh, yes, I shall be delighted!"

[_Their Graces and Lord S. never turned up, after all!_]]

* * * * *

[Illustration: REASSURING

"Lor' bless yer, sir, that's all right, sir! _That_ ain't a fly,
sir!--_that's_ a bit of dirt!"]

* *