she now
misunderstood the visitor's inquiry concerning the baby, thinking that
he was solicitous on her account. So she explained to the aghast editor
who had asked about the baby that, although she usually had one every
winter, this was the very worst one she had ever had, it kept her awake
at night a great deal, and at first confined her to her bed. Having
explained thus far, the good lady noticed the flabbergasted air of her
guest. She continued sympathetically; saying that she could tell by his
looks and the way he acted that he was going to have one just like hers.
Then she insisted that, as a precautionary measure for the sake of his
condition, he should come in out of the draft and sit down and stay
quiet.

MISMATED

A Texas lad, lacking a team of horses or oxen or mules for his
ploughing, engaged his sister to direct the plough, while he yoked
himself to a steer for the pulling. The steer promptly ran away, and the
lad had no choice but to run too. They came shortly into the village and
went tearing down the street. And as he raced wildly, the young man
shouted:

"Here we come--darn our fool souls! Somebody head us off!"

MIXED METAPHORS

A babu, or native clerk, in India, who prided himself on his mastery of
the English tongue and skill in its idioms, sent the following telegram
in announcement of his mother's death:

"Regret to announce that hand which rocked the cradle has kicked the
bucket."

MODESTY

A British journalist, in an article on Sir Henry Irving for a London
weekly wrote:

"I was his guest regularly at all Lyceum first nights for a whole
quarter of a century.... He delighted in the company of third-rate
people."

MONEY TALKS

The disreputable-looking panhandler picked out an elderly gentleman of
most benevolent aspect and made a plea for a small financial
contribution. When he had finished his narrative of misery and woe the
elderly gentleman replied benignantly:

"My good friend, I have no money, but I can give you some good advice."

The tramp spat contemptuously, and uttered an oath of disgust.

"If you hain't got no money," he jeered, "I reckon your advice ain't
worth hearin'."

MONEY VALUE

A well-known millionaire entertained Edward Everett Hale with other
guests at a dinner. The host was not only hospitable, but wished every
one to know his liberality. During the meal, he extolled the various
viands, and did not hesitate to give their value in dollars and