te? Because he's too fast.

Why is the divorce court like certain newspapers? Because it has a
matrimonial co-respondents' (correspondence) section.

What is the longest word in the English language? Smiles, because it
has a mile between its first and last letters.

Which is heavier, a pound of gold or a pound of feathers? A pound of
feathers, which weigh a pound avoirdupois; a pound of gold is a pound
troy.

What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an
impression.

Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten is twenty, and
twice eleven is twenty-two (too).

Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing-eye no better
than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.

That which every one requires, that which every one gives, that which
every one asks, and that which very few take? Advice.

When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.

When is a nation like a baby? When it is in arms.

What does the lamp post become when the lamp is removed? A lamp
lighter.

Why is a mother who spoils her child like a person building castles
in the air? She indulges in-fancy too much.

When you listen to your little brother's drum, why are you like a
just judge? Because you hear both sides.

What is the action of the moon? It affects physically the tide, and
sentimentally the untied.

Why is a father who frequently thrashes his boy likely to be
prosecuted? Because he exerts undue influence in the making of a
will.

How should Messrs. Taft and Roosevelt now travel? By ex-Pres.

Why is a Wall Street lamb like a surgical convalescent? Because he's
been operated on.

Why is the humiliated braggart like the small boy who has drunk the
washing fluid? Because he has swallowed the lye.

Why is the fresh young upstart like an aerial postman? Because he's
up and coming.

Why is an elevator man like an aeronaut? Because his life is all ups
and downs.

What is the coldest place in an opera house? Z row.

What will eventually change the size of the auto? The demand for more
gauge (mortgage) which the present fad creates.

Why is the nurse of an insane ward like a popular opera star? Because
everybody's crazy about him.

Why do love letters have a financial value? Because they are
promissory notes.

When are words musical? When they have a ring to them.

When is a woman a live wire? When she's shocking.

Why is it easy to practice rotation of crops on the prairies? Bec