rried once may be
Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,--
Flog him, flog him back to school.

DCCCLXII.--A MODERN SCULPTOR.

BROWN and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that
chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of
him,--he's a sculptor."--"Such a fellow as that a _sculptor_! surely you
must be mistaken."--"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know
that he _chiselled_ a tailor--out of a suit of clothes last week."

DCCCLXIII.--A DIFFICULT TASK.

"YOU have only yourself to please," said a married friend to an old
bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a _difficult_
task I find it."

DCCCLXIV.--THE GOUTY SHOE.

JAMES SMITH used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general
conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library
at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the
pleasure-grounds:--

"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"

"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they
are all out now."

"Well, and what then?"

"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have
really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off
being shown over the improvements."

DCCCLXV.--A LUSUS NATURAE.

AN agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls
under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of
butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid,
"save the insinuation that some girls are _over_ twenty-one years of
age."

DCCCLXVI.--A CASE OF NECESSITY.

A SHOPKEEPER, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling
off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you
selling off?"--"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't
they?"--"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"--"To be sure; would you
have me _keep open_ on Sunday!"

DCCCLXVII.--SPECIES AND SPECIE.

IN preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the
assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for
their generosity, and the love of their _species_. The collection
happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had
evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression shou