as a mother
who talks about her own children.--_Disraeli_.

AUTOMOBILES

TEACHER--"If a man saves $2 a week, how long will it take him to save a
thousand?"

BOY--"He never would, ma'am. After he got $900 he'd buy a car."

"How fast is your car, Jimpson?" asked Harkaway.

"Well," said Jimpson, "it keeps about six months ahead of my income
generally."

"What is the name of your automobile?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What do your folks call it?"

"Oh, as to that, father always says 'The Mortgage'; brother Tom calls it
'The Fake'; mother, 'My Limousine'; sister, 'Our Car'; grandma, 'That
Peril'; the chauffeur, 'Some Freak,' and our neighbors, 'The
Limit.'"--_Life_.

"What little boy can tell me the difference between the 'quick' and the
'dead?'" asked the Sunday-school teacher.

Willie waved his hand frantically.

"Well, Willie?"

"Please, ma'am, the 'quick' are the ones that get out of the way of
automobiles; the ones that don't are the 'dead.'"

"Do you have much trouble with your automobile?"

"Trouble! Say, I couldn't have more if I was married to the blamed
machine."

A little "Brush" chugged painfully up to the gate of a race track.

The gate-keeper, demanding the usual fee for automobiles, called:

"A dollar for the car!"

The owner looked up with a pathetic smile of relief and said:

"Sold!"

Autos rush in where mortgages have dared to tread.

_See also_ Fords; Profanity.

AUTOMOBILING

"Sorry, gentlemen," said the new constable, "but I'll hev to run ye in.
We been keepin' tabs on ye sence ye left Huckleberry Corners."

"Why, that's nonsense!" said Dubbleigh. "It's taken us four hours to
come twenty miles, thanks to a flabby tire. That's only five miles an
hour."

"Sure!" said the new constable, "but the speed law round these here
parts is ten mile an hour, and by Jehosophat I'm goin' to make you
ottermobile fellers live up to it."

Two street pedlers in Bradford, England, bought a horse for $11.25. It
was killed by a motor-car one day and the owner of the car paid them
$115 for the loss. Thereupon a new industry sprang up on the roads of
England.

"It was very romantic," says the friend. "He proposed to her in the
automobile."

"Yes?" we murmur, encouragingly.

"And she accepted him in the hospital."

"What you want to do is to have that mudhole in the road fixed," said
the visitor.

"That goes to show," replied Farmer Cornt