and if you repair it, I will give you _two_."

DCCLXXI.--SCOTCH WUT.

A LAIRD riding past a high, steep bank, stopped opposite a hole in it,
and said, "John, I saw a brock gang in there."--"Did ye," said John;
"wull ye haud my horse, sir?"--"Certainly," said the laird, and away
rushed John for a spade. After digging for half an hour, he came back,
nigh speechless, to the laird, who had regarded him musingly. "I canna
find him, sir," said John. "Deed," said the laird very coolly, "I wad
ha' wondered if ye had, for it's _ten years_ sin' I saw him gang in
there."

DCCLXXII.--ATTENDING TO A WISH.

"I WISH you would pay a little attention, sir!" exclaimed a stage
manager to a careless actor. "Well, sir, so I am paying _as little_ as I
can!" was the calm reply.

DCCLXXIII.--A MECHANICAL SURGEON.

A VALIANT sailor, that had lost his leg formerly in the wars, was
nevertheless, for his great prudence and courage, made captain of a
ship; and being in the midst of an engagement, a cannon bullet took off
his wooden supporter, so that he fell down. The seamen immediately
called out for a surgeon. "Confound you all," said he, "no surgeon, no
surgeon,--_a carpenter! a carpenter_!"

DCCLXXIV.--CANINE POETRY.

A PRETTY little dog had written on its collar the following distich:--

"This collar don't belong to you, sir,
Pass on--or you may have one too, sir."

The same person might have been the proprietor of another dog, upon
whose collar was inscribed:--

"I am Tom Draper's dog. Whose dog are you?"

DCCLXXV.--FOOTIANA.

FOOTE praising the hospitality of the Irish, after one of his trips to
the sister kingdom, a gentleman asked him whether he had ever been at
_Cork_. "No, sir," replied Foote; "but I have seen many _drawings_ of
it."

DCCLXXVI.--NIGHT AND MORNING.

AN industrious tradesman having taken a new apprentice, awoke him at a
very early hour on the first morning, by calling out that the family
were sitting down to table. "Thank you," said the boy, as he turned over
in the bed to adjust himself for a new nap; "thank you, I never eat
anything during _the night_!"

DCCLXXVII.--FULL INSIDE.

CHARLES LAMB, one afternoon, in returning from a dinner-party, took his
seat in a crowded omnibus, when a stout gentleman subsequently looked in
and politely asked, "All full inside?"--"I don't know how it may be,
sir, with the _other_ passe