t.

DCCLXIV.--A QUESTION FOR THE PEERAGE.

AS the late Trades Unions, by way of a show,
Over Westminster-bridge strutted five in a row,
"I feel for the bridge," whispered Dick, with a shiver;
"Thus tried by the mob, it may sink in the river."
Quoth Tom, a crown lawyer: "Abandon your fears:
As a bridge it can only be tried by _its piers_."

DCCLXV.--A NOISE FOR NOTHING.

WHEN Thomas Sheridan was in a nervous, debilitated state, and dining
with his father at Peter Moore's, the servant, in passing by the
fire-place knocked down the plate-warmer, and made such a clatter as
caused the invalid to start and tremble. Moore, provoked by the
accident, rebuked the man, and added, "I suppose you have broken all the
plates?"--"No, sir," said the servant, "not one!"--"Not one!" exclaimed
Sheridan, "then, hang it, sir, you have made all that noise _for
nothing_!"

DCCLXVI.--SHORT MEASURE.

SOME one wrote in a hotel visitors' book his initials, "A.S." A wag
wrote underneath, "_Two-thirds_ of the truth."

DCCLXVII.--DECANTING EXTRAORDINARY.

THEODORE HOOK once said to a man at whose table a publisher got very
drunk, "Why, you appear to have emptied your _wine-cellar_ into your
_book-seller_."

DCCLXVIII.--A DILEMMA.

WHILST a country parson was preaching, the chief of his parishioners
sitting near the pulpit was fast asleep: whereupon he said, "Now,
beloved friends, I am in a great strait; for if I speak too softly,
those at the farther end of the church cannot hear me; and if I talk too
loud, I shall _wake_ the chief man in the parish."

DCCLXIX.--HOW TO MAKE A MAN OF CONSEQUENCE.

A BROW austere, a circumspective eye,
A frequent shrug of the _os humeri_,
A nod significant, a stately gait,
A blustering manner, and a tone of weight,
A smile sarcastic, an expressive stare,--
Adopt all these, as time and place will bear:
Then rest assured that those of little sense
Will deem you, sure, _a man of consequence_.

DCCLXX.--A CHEAP WATCH.

A SAILOR went to a watchmaker, and presenting a small French watch to
him, demanded to know how much the repair of it would come to. The
watchmaker, after examining it, said, "It will be more expense repairing
than its original cost."--"I don't mind that," said the tar; "I will
even give you double the original cost, for I gave a fellow a blow on
the head for it,