, which I
could ill afford to do, and then we went and borrowed a lot of wine and
brandy bottles, beside a few we had by us. Well we emptied the keg into
the bottles, and there was nineteen, and my boy put that down for an
answer. I don't know whether it is rite or not, as we spilt some in
doing it.

P. S.--Please let the next one be water as I am not able to buy any more
bere."

* * *

The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful
past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just
asked for an egg-shake.

"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.

BEGGARS

The cultured maid servant announced to her mistress, wife of the
profiteer:

"If you please, ma'am, there's a mendicant at the door."

The mistress sniffed contemptuously:

"Tell 'im there's nothin' to mend."

BEGINNERS

A woman visitor to the city entered a taxicab. No sooner was the door
closed than the car leaped forward violently, and afterward went racing
wildly along the street, narrowly missing collision with innumerable
things. The passenger, naturally enough, was terrified. She thrust her
head through the open window of the door, and shouted at the chauffeur:

"Please, be careful, sir! I'm nervous. This is the first time I ever
rode in a taxi."

The driver yelled in reply, without turning his head:

"That's all right, ma'am. It's the first time I ever drove one!"

BETROTHAL

The cook, Nora, had announced her engagement to a frequenter at the
kitchen, named Mike. But a year passed and nothing was heard of the
nuptials. So, one day, the mistress inquired:

"When are you to be married, Nora?"

"Indade, an' it's niver at all, I'll be thinkin', mum," the cook
answered sadly.

"Really? Why, what is the trouble?"

The reply was explicit:

"'Tis this, mum. I won't marry Mike when he's drunk, an' he won't marry
me when he's sober."

* * *

The delinquent laggard swain had been telling of his ability as a
presiding officer. The girl questioned him:

"What is the parliamentary phrase when you wish to call for a vote?"

The answer was given with proud certainty:

"Are you ready for the question?"

"Yes, dearest," the girl confessed shyly. "Go ahead."

BIGAMY

What is the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

* * *

The man was weak and naturally