anything is wrong
with your nose, they send you to Paris: there, they say, is a European
specialist who cures noses. If you go to Paris, he'll look at your nose; I
can only cure your right nostril, he'll tell you, for I don't cure the
left nostril, that's not my speciality, but go to Vienna, there there's a
specialist who will cure your left nostril. What are you to do? I fell
back on popular remedies, a German doctor advised me to rub myself with
honey and salt in the bath-house. Solely to get an extra bath I went,
smeared myself all over and it did me no good at all. In despair I wrote
to Count Mattei in Milan. He sent me a book and some drops, bless him,
and, only fancy, Hoff's malt extract cured me! I bought it by accident,
drank a bottle and a half of it, and I was ready to dance, it took it away
completely. I made up my mind to write to the papers to thank him, I was
prompted by a feeling of gratitude, and only fancy, it led to no end of a
bother: not a single paper would take my letter. 'It would be very
reactionary,' they said, 'no one will believe it. _Le diable n'existe
point._ You'd better remain anonymous,' they advised me. What use is a
letter of thanks if it's anonymous? I laughed with the men at the
newspaper office; 'It's reactionary to believe in God in our days,' I
said, 'but I am the devil, so I may be believed in.' 'We quite understand
that,' they said. 'Who doesn't believe in the devil? Yet it won't do, it
might injure our reputation. As a joke, if you like.' But I thought as a
joke it wouldn't be very witty. So it wasn't printed. And do you know, I
have felt sore about it to this day. My best feelings, gratitude, for
instance, are literally denied me simply from my social position."

"Philosophical reflections again?" Ivan snarled malignantly.

"God preserve me from it, but one can't help complaining sometimes. I am a
slandered man. You upbraid me every moment with being stupid. One can see
you are young. My dear fellow, intelligence isn't the only thing! I have
naturally a kind and merry heart. 'I also write vaudevilles of all sorts.'
You seem to take me for Hlestakov grown old, but my fate is a far more
serious one. Before time was, by some decree which I could never make out,
I was pre-destined 'to deny' and yet I am genuinely good-hearted and not
at all inclined to negation. 'No, you must go and deny, without denial
there's no criticism and what would a journal be without a column of
criticism