nd as a good German, Abe, Michaelis would be awful disappointed if
they did," Morris said, "because that's the way the Germans feel toward
the Kaiser. He robs 'em, he murders 'em, and he starves their wives and
children to death, just so him and his family could run the country, and
them poor Heinies says to one another: 'That's the kind of a kaiser to
have! A big strong man which he don't give a nickel for nobody! He's a
wonder, all right, and if we didn't have a feller like that at the head
of the country I don't know how we would be able to stand all the
trouble that cutthroat and his crook family is causing us--Heaven bless
them.'"

"The hopeless part of it is," Abe commented, "that there's no way of
putting a nation of ninety million people in a lunatic asylum, even if
there was an asylum big enough to hold them, which there ain't,
Mawruss."

"And as much as you sympathize with a lunatic, you can't have him going
around loose, Abe," Morris said, "so what are we going to do about it?"

"Well, we're trying hard to shut 'em up in Germany again," Abe declared,
"and after we've got them there, Mawruss, I am willing to stand my share
of the expense that the war should go on long enough to give them
lunatics a little home treatment, y'understand, and by home treatment,
Mawruss, I mean not only treating the lunatics themselves, but also
treating their homes," Abe continued, growing red in the face at the
thought of it, "which I only hope that I live long enough to see a
moving picture of German homes the same like I seen moving pictures of
French homes and Belgian homes, and if that don't sweat the Kaiser-mania
out of their systems they are crazy for keeps."

VIII

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON LORDNORTHCLIFFING VERSUS COLONELHOUSING

While Lord Northcliff is colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is
lordnorthcliffing over in England, and the main point about their
being where they are is that they ain't where the people are which
sent them there.

"Well, I see where President Wilson says that women should have the
right to vote the same like shipping-clerks and bartenders, Mawruss,"
Abe said, "which it's a funny thing to me the way some people claims
they never could see that two and two make four till the war comes along
and gives them a brand-new point of view."

"At that, you've got to give President Wilson credit that it only took a
war like this here European war to bring him to his senses,"