ry once
in a while at a lodge meeting some Grand Army man, who was also, we
would say, for example, in the pants business, would get up and make a
speech that if this great and glorious land of ours was to be threatened
with an invasion by any foreign king or potentate, y'understand, an army
of a million soldiers would spring up overnight, and all his lodge
brothers would say ain't it wonderful how an old man like that stays as
bright as a dollar, y'understand. _But_, just let the same feller get up
and make a speech that if the pants business was to be threatened with a
strike by any foreign or domestic walking-delegate, understand me, an
army of a million pants-operators would spring up overnight,
y'understand, and before he had a chance to sit down even them same
lodge brothers would have rung for a Bellevue ambulance and passed
resolutions of sympathy for his family. And yet, Abe, a learner on pants
becomes an expert in six days, whereas it takes six months at the very
least to train a soldier."

"That's why Lord Northcliff is making all them discouraging speeches,"
Abe said. "He's a business man, Mawruss, and he appreciates that we are
up against a tough business proposition."

"But what I don't understand is: where does Lord Northcliff come in to
be neglecting his newspapers the way he does?" Morris said. "Is he an
ambassador or something?"

"Well, for that matter," Abe retorted, "where does Colonel House come in
to be neglecting the cloth-sponging business or whatever business the
Colonel is in? It's a stand-off, Mawruss. While Lord Northcliff is
colonelhousing over here, Colonel House is lordnorthcliffing over in
England, and just exactly what that _is_, Mawruss, I don't know, but I
got a strong suspicion that the main point about their being where they
are is that they ain't where the people are which sent them there, if
you understand what I mean."

"And I bet they both feel flattered at that," Morris concluded.

IX

POTASH AND PERLMUTTER ON NATIONAL MUSIC AND NATIONAL CURRENCY

Some people wouldn't care what they said, just so long as they could
give the impression that they was regular sharks when it come to
music, but what kind of impression they gave when it come to
patriotism and common sense, such people don't give a nickel.

"It seems that this here Doctor Muck wouldn't play the national anthem,
Mawruss, because he found it was inartistic," Abe Potash said as he
turned to t