e at
the end of that term, instead of the following term, when, in the
ordinary course of things, I should have left.

"I wrote to my people to say I was miserable at school, and I was
removed at the end of that term.

"My first case of true heterosexual passion was with a girl
called D., whom I first knew when she was about 16. My family and
hers were friendly. My attraction to her soon became a matter of
common knowledge and joking to members of my family. She was a
dark, passionate-looking child, with large eyes that--to
me--seemed full of an inner knowledge of sexual mysteries.
Precocious, vain, jealous, untruthful--those were qualities in
her that I myself soon recognized. But the very fact that she was
not conventionally 'goody-goody' proved an attraction to me.

"I never openly made love to her, but I delighted to be near her.
Our ages were sufficiently separated for this to be noticeable. I
dreamed of her, and my highest ideal of blessedness was to kiss
her and tell her I loved her. I heard that she had been
discovered talking indecently in a w.c. to some little boys, sons
of a friend of my family's. The knowledge of this precocity on
her part intensified my fascination for her.

"When I left home to return to school I kissed her--the only
time. Absence did nothing to diminish my affection. I thought of
her all day long, at work or at play. I wrote her a letter--not
openly passionate, but my real feelings toward her must have been
apparent. I found out afterward that her mother opened the
letter.

"When I returned home for the holidays her mother asked me not;
to write her any letters and not to pay attentions to her, as I
might 'spoil her.' I promised. I was, of course, greatly
distressed.

"D. used to come to our house to see my younger sister. She had
clearly been warned by her mother not to allow me to speak to
her. I was too nervous to make any advances; besides, I had
promised. As I grew older, my passion died out. I have hardly
ever seen her since. She married some years ago. I still retain
sentimental feelings toward her.

"I was now 18; I had stopped growing and was fairly broad and
healthy. Intellectually I was rather precocious, though not
ambitious. But I was no good at games, had no tastes for physical
exercises, and no hobbies.