l and scientific books
in it, which were my principal favorites, and I remember deciding
at a very early age to be a doctor. When about 5 years old I
recollect having a sexual dream connected with a railway porter.
It afforded me great pleasure to recall this dream, and about
that time I discovered a method of self-gratification (there is
not much 'teaching' required in these matters!).

"I cannot say that the dream I have mentioned constituted
absolutely the first intimation of inverted feeling, but rather
that it crystallized vague ideas which I might have already had
on the subject. I can recollect that when about between 3 and 4
years of age a young fellow of about 20 came to our house several
times as a visitor. He was fond of children, I suppose, and I
generally sat on his knee and was kissed by him. This was a
source of great pleasure to me, but I cannot remember if it was
accompanied by erection. I can only recall that his attention and
caresses made a greater impression upon me than those of women.
When about that age too I was often aroused when sleeping with my
mother, and told not to lie on my face. I remember that erection
was always present on these occasions. The dream was the first of
many of its kind, and in my case they have never been accompanied
by emission. They have always been of an 'inverted' character,
though I have occasionally had dreams about women. These latter,
however, have usually partaken somewhat of the nature of a
nightmare!

"Up to the age of 14 I felt much perplexed and depressed by my
views on sexual desire, and was convinced that they were peculiar
to myself. This, combined with the solitary condition of my
life, and about four years' continued ill-treatment prior to my
mother's death (she had given way to drink for that period), had
a very injurious effect on my health, mental and bodily. Looking
back from my present point of view, I can understand and forgive
many things which appeared monstrous and unjust to me as a child.
My mother's life must have been a very unhappy one, and she was
bitterly disappointed in many ways, very likely in me as well. My
unfortunate, misunderstood temperament led me to be shy and
secretive, and I was often ailing, and my training was not
calculated to improve matters. At last, however, change and