t inconsiderable circle of early
friends, all grew up to be normal people, who married and had
children in due course) for the unusual size of his parts and for
the freedom with which he invited and satisfied the curiosity of
his friends. He must have been precocious, for he could not have
been more than 12, and I remember to have heard that he had a
thick growth of pubic hair. Even then, although I know that my
curiosity--to put it at that only--was active, I never allowed
myself to have any dealings with him; and I think I should have
discouraged them had they been suggested to me. That is the odd
thing about my life: the things I longed intensely to do I would
not let myself do, not from any religious or moral scruple, but
from some inexplicable fastidiousness or scrupulosity which is
yet as active as ever, although I am sure that it would not be
able to hold its own could these favorable conditions be
repeated, but would be overcome by the imperious and fully grown
desires which, by long repression, or by unsatisfactory
diversion, have grown to be so strong. Indeed, given the
opportunity, and the assurance that no first seduction or
corruption of anyone was in question, they would prove quite
irrepressible.

"Certainly, long before puberty--which was early with me--I
remember being greatly attracted to certain boys, and wishing to
have an opportunity of sleeping with them. Had I been able to do
so, I am sure I should have been impelled to get into as close
contact with their naked body as possible, and I do not think I
should then have craved for anything more. I knew some
boys--perhaps a little older--who even then had relations, which
were certainly not innocent, with a girl who was a year or two
older than any of us. She once kissed me, to my intense shame.
But I felt that these relations would have been unspeakably
disgusting and I took no particular interest in hearing about
them. I remember being fondled and caressed by a very
good-looking boy of 16 when I was three or four years younger and
had sustained some hurt at play; and I am still able to recall
the thrill of delight that I experienced at his touch. Nothing
took place that all the world might not have seen, but I remember
being taken between his knees as he sat, and his arms being put
around my neck,