GIRL

Here's to the dearest
Of all things on earth.
(Dearest precisely--
And yet of full worth.)
One who lays siege to
Susceptible hearts.
(Pocket-books also--
That's one of her arts!)
Drink to her, toast her,
Your banner unfurl--
Here's to the _priceless_
American Girl!

--_Walter Pulitzer_.

AMERICANS

Eugene Field was at a dinner in London when the conversation turned to
the subject of lynching in the United States.

It was the general opinion that a large percentage of Americans met
death at the end of a rope. Finally the hostess turned to Field and
asked:

"You, sir, must have often seen these affairs?"

"Yes," replied Field, "hundreds of them."

"Oh, do tell us about a lynching you have seen yourself," broke in half
a dozen voices at once.

"Well, the night before I sailed for England," said Field, "I was giving
a dinner at a hotel to a party of intimate friends when a colored waiter
spilled a plate of soup over the gown of a lady at an adjoining table.
The gown was utterly ruined, and the gentlemen of her party at once
seized the waiter, tied a rope around his neck, and at a signal from the
injured lady swung him into the air."

"Horrible!" said the hostess with a shudder. "And did you actually see
this yourself?"

"Well, no," admitted Field apologetically. "Just at that moment I
happened to be downstairs killing the chef for putting mustard in the
blanc mange."

You can always tell the English,
You can always tell the Dutch,
You can always tell the Yankees--
But you can't tell them _much!_

AMUSEMENTS

A newspaper thus defined amusements:

The Friends' picnic this year was not as well attended as it has been
for some years. This can be laid to three causes, viz.: the change of
place in holding it, deaths in families, and other amusements.

I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door;
But this crawling around
Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore.

I am a great friend to public amusements; for they keep people from
vice.--_Samuel Johnson_.

ANATOMY

TOMMY--"My gran'pa wuz in th' civil war, an' he lost a leg or a arm in
every battle he fit in!"

JOHNNY--"Gee! How many battles was he in?"

TOMMY--"About forty."

They thought more of the Legion of Honor in the time of the first
Napoleon than they do now. The emperor one day met an old one-ar